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E42: Showing gratitude in your relationship

Are you showing your parter enough gratitude? All over the world, people are making gratitude lists and trying to live that #blessedlife. But the best place to start is in your own relationship, by showing your partner that you appreciate them and are grateful for the value they add to your life and the things they do for you. 

Find out why we thank each other for even the most mundane tasks and gestures, and why it sets our marriage apart and encourages love rather than resentment.

Can’t listen? Read on for the full episode transcript:

Rich: Hello and welcome to Episode 42 of From Long Distance to Marriage, and this week we’re going to be talking all about gratitude in your relationship. Before we do that, a little bit of housekeeping. We are working, as you may have seen on our Instagram feed, we’re working on some exclusive content for how to build a really incredible long distance relationship and get the most out of it. So we’re at the stage now where we’re soon to release it but we’re looking for people who can be early readers and give us some feedback and help shape the final version. So if you want to be one of those early readers, send us a message or an email, let us know and we’ll put you on the list.

Aindrea: We’re also back in the studio today, which is very exciting. Again, if you follow us on Instagram, you will know that we’ve done lots of housework lately. The bathroom, new floors, redecorated spare bedroom, and we finally just got the last random shit you shove into a room when you’re having stuff done out of the studio. So we’re back in here. So we’re really excited.

Rich: And if you don’t follow us on Instagram, we’re MrMrsDistance on there, comment, also drop us a message, see our pictures and become an early reader.

Aindrea: Yes, do that. Indeed. We’ve had a really amazing morning watching Peaky Blinders. We’re pretty excited for the new season coming up. So we’re rewatching all the amazing violence and gin and Alfie Solomons! Anyways. So yeah, this is something we want to talk about this week. You know, having gratitude in your relationship and showing gratitude towards your partner, because I think you see a lot of, you know, memes on Facebook and stuff. And this one in particular is one that stuck with me. I mean, we don’t have children. But you see things like, oh, a woman will say to her friend, “Oh, it’s so amazing that your husband’s watching the kids today.” It’s like, “Yes, thank you. He is fathering today, he’s fathering his children.” And I think that there’s a, there’s kind of a mixed attitude towards, you know, your partner should should absolutely support you. And there are certain things that they should do without having to be asked. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be grateful towards them for doing that. And I think expressing gratitude in your relationship is really key and just keeping the appreciation and you know, “Hey, I know you chose to be here with me. And I know you do a lot for me. And I just want to acknowledge that and thank it.” I think that, you know, everyone should be thanked for the things that they do. And in your relationship, you do a hell of a lot. So it’s just kind of a topic we wanted to cover and it’s something that… we’ve talked about this in previous episodes. We thank each other for like everything, things that maybe people would think oh, you shouldn’t have to thank your partner for that. But we do. Like for example, I tend to do the majority of the cleaning up the kitchen and the dishwasher and stuff. But when Rich does, and I get home from a really long day at work and he’s done it, I thank him. I’m really grateful that he’s done it. It’s one less thing for me to think about.

Rich: Yeah. And when you cook dinner, I always thank you, 

Aindrea: Yeah, I do that every night. 

Rich: And I thank you every night for it. It kind of comes back to taking things for granted that we’ve talked about. I can’t speak today.

Aindrea: Do you still feel stupid from waking up? We’ve been up late the last couple nights and so I’ve been having a bit of a sleep in in the morning. And I was like, “Oh, do you ever just like sleep so good and so hard that your body actually hurts from being still for so long?” And he said “No, but I know what it’s like to wake up stupid.” I was like, “Are you telling me I’m being stupid?” “No, I felt stupid when I woke up.”

Rich: Yeah, my brain hadn’t kicked in. But yeah so when you take things for granted and just like, you know, you just expect it to be done. “That’s just what they do.” And the gratitude’s really just sort of remembering on your part that they don’t have to do that, they’re choosing to do that. And by virtue of them doing it, it’s making your life that little bit easier. And it’s a gesture from them that you matter. And then the gratitude also shows them that you the acknowledge it, and you notice it. And it’s funny how just the little gesture of saying thank you and the acknowledging of it can stop the person who, taking your example of you cook dinner almost every day, if I was to never say thank you to it, that’s something you could very quickly start to resent, like “I’m doing this and he doesn’t even acknowledge it.” Whereas knowing that it’s appreciated and gratefully received, if you like, I think it makes a big difference in the in the dynamic of relationship, because then it’s something that you still choose to do and you’re probably more likely to be happy to do it because the environment around it’s all very positive and pleasant. And there’s respect coming from both ways.

Aindrea: I also think I want to touch on the thing I said earlier about like parents, the father’s actually spending time with his kids or whatever. I want to acknowledge I also think that dads should be thanking moms for what they do. You know, I think there is, obviously we don’t understand necessarily we’re not parents but we see a lot of it. We have a lot of friends who are parents, we hear a lot about it. You know, man comes home from work, wife’s been with the kids all day. And it’s very much like, oh, “How was your day?” “You wouldn’t believe what the kids got up to.” And then it’s, “Oh, well, you wouldn’t believe what I had to deal with it at work.” You know, I think that conversation can very easily be changed from the man saying, “Wow, you know, that sounds like they were full on. I’m so thankful that you spend your days raising our children.” That’s, that can just end that conversation. And then the wife, “I’m so thankful that you can provide for us and so that I can be home with the kids.” And at least part of the time, maybe you got to work some you know, whatever. But that’s what I mean, I’m not saying that women should be thankful to their husband that they deign to, you know, take their kids to the parks, the woman can go get a manicure. I think it goes both ways, you know, I think traditions are changing, a lot of times the men are staying at home with the kids now and when they’re off working, you have same sex couples. So, you know, throw out the terminology but whoever is kind of spending the most time with the kids deserves thanks, and so does the one who is working too much to do that, but then steps in when they can to take that pressure off. But you know, I think there’s also all sorts of things that you can be grateful to your spouse or partner, whatever, for ,and I think expressing that can only be positive in the relationship. And think how many people describe their job as being thankless, or just life as being thankless.

Rich: But I think it’s, and I know we’ve spoken about this before too, especially married couples more so than boyfriend or girlfriend I think, and I guess less so for long distance couples I’m sure, but there’s almost, it’s become funny in our society now to mock your spouse and say, you know what, like you said, “Oh, isn’t it great that he’s parenting today?” I think men in particular have become a bit of a punching bag for being stupid and oafish and lazy and thoughtless, you know And I think, it’s just something you always hear, like neither one of them’s good enough, and my wife drives me crazy, you know, Oh, you don’t tell your wife the truth. And equally, you know, women are, don’t tell him how much it really costs. And there’s just all these sort of subtle messages around marriage, and don’t get me wrong some of them are funny, but they don’t really seem to have much balance with more positive messaging, and you know, like anything, you can kind of quickly absorb that. 

Aindrea: You know, that’s really interesting. And I think men are having a very difficult time right now, there’s so many men who are, you know, in the spotlight, having done bad things, you know, sexual assault, the me too movement, and these are all very big problems and change needs to happen. It seems to be happening, probably not the rate it needs to but the conversations are out there, women are speaking up, and that’s great. It’s needed. It’s absolutely vital. But I also think the women who know they have a good man, I don’t know, I feel like men need some good PR. There’s a few terrible, terrible men that are ruining, you know, women’s views on men in general. Do you know what I mean? And like, I think I feel responsibility, when people are joking about marriage and stuff to speak up. And, yeah, I can appreciate the joke in that. But I also, you know, “My husband’s great, I’m lucky to have him.” I don’t know if I talked about this in the podcast, I know I put a picture up several weeks ago, Rich out of the blue, for no kind of real reason in terms of like birthday or anniversary or Valentine’s Day, had a really beautiful bouquet of flowers sent to my work and it was completely unexpected, and one of the girls answered the door and dropped them on my desk. And I was like “Ooh!” and so then all the all the girls thought that’s lovely, that’s really sweet. And all the guys, “What’s he done? What’s he gonna do? He’s gonna ask you for something or he’s done something.” And yeah, it’s fun. It’s playful. But at the same time, it’s kind of sad that to even the men were the ones with the narrative around that. It wasn’t the women like, “Oh, what’s he done?” You know? So that I mean, I thought really interesting. I know it was a joke. But they kept on about it. 

Rich: Yeah. And it’s just something that you hear, it’s almost like marriage is supposed to have attrition. And like…

Aindrea: What’s attrition?

Rich: Like, negative friction and kinda like a war. 

Aindrea: Like, Rules of Engagement? 

Rich: Yeah, kinda. Yeah, when it’s in the confines of a comedy show, like, I really enjoy that.

Aindrea: Yeah. But you take it for what it is though.

Rich: Yeah. But look out for in real life and it’s very common. And you get a group of girls together and they’re bitching about the men and you get a group of guys together and they bitch about the women. And it’s almost like there’s a, there’s an invader in the house, rather than actually there’s someone I invited to live with me who does a lot for me and makes me feel good and cherishes me. But that’s not often what you hear. And for men, there’s always that sort of, “Oh, yeah, men don’t talk to their guy friends like that.” Maybe that’s true. But yeah, it’s just sort of, it’s worth looking out for and consciously not being that couple.

Aindrea: Yeah, I think, um, you know, it means a lot to me. You know, I’m probably no more capable in the kitchen than Rich but for whatever reason, you know, the cooking has fallen to me for the most part. I think I am a bit better of a planner, and things like that. That’s probably why it’s naturally fell to me. No actually no, I know why, because when I first moved over here, I was the only one not working. So I just kind of said, “Okay, well I’ll do the cooking.” It’s just kinda stayed. But yeah, it’s like Rich said, if, if he didn’t thank me every day, I probably would start… Yeah, I would feel, I mean, I get bored cooking anyway, it’s like “Oh God what am I gonna make tonight? Same five, six things we have blah blah blah.” There’s that. On top of it, this guy can never be made to feel full. So combine the fact that every time he finishes dinner, like five out of six, five out of seven days, he goes, “I’m hungry.” So if he didn’t thank me before that, and said, “I’m still hungry,” I’d be really fucked off and annoyed. But I think, I don’t know, your partner’s a human, we’ve always said, you know, you’re still a person outside of your relationship. And you put effort in and you do things. And it’s nice to be acknowledged for that. Because so many other areas in life, you aren’t; you know, we go to jobs every day, and yeah we’re paid to be there. But we don’t get thanked for it. And sometimes it’s just nice to get some recognition for something. So you know, like, if you do a really good job at work, and your boss says, “Hey, you know, nice work, thank you for that.” You feel good. And it’s nice to have that same recognition at home, from like you said, just another average night dinner, or if it’s extra good, “Hey, I really enjoyed that,” you know, whatever it is.

Rich: And to me, the gratitude goes beyond that. It’s also not being critical of them. So like, you know, when it’s the two of you, you will have those moments where you will be critical. But again, going back to the more social situations. Not being the person who is just criticising your partner, I think’s important. And not to put them on a pedestal but – and it’s it’s one thing to maybe have a little, especially depending on your company, and they know them and they know you’re joking, and it’s good humour – but there’s a big difference in making a one-off little joke, you know, to kind of humiliating them or airing your dirty laundry about them, or “You’ll never guess what they did.”

Aindrea: Or those couples that always fight in front of people.

Rich: Yeah. Or being like, “Oh, he’s so lazy” and “Well she’s so bitchy.” And I think it’s really important to show camaraderie, and that you’re a united couple, I think that’s really important. You know, if you do have issues, they’re your issues, they’re to be worked out between you. And if you need a confidant then fine, you know, get what you need. But, again, there’s mature ways of handling it. And I think going out and just unloading everything onto your friends is not the right outlet.

Aindrea: No. Sometimes you need advice, though. We’ve talked about before, when I first moved here, and it was really a strain on us, as we were both on our own for the first time together and trying to navigate marriage when I just had a huge change, you know, immigrating. And we’d have all the normal fights you would expect with that, and probably a little bit more, because it was just a time of real big transitions. And yeah, I called home too much and probably vented. It wasn’t “I hate him so much!” It’s like, I just don’t know how to make this… 

Rich: Yeah, you needed advice because you’d gone through a big life change and that slightly different.

Aindrea: But you still have to frame it in the right way. You were very conscious. Like, “Look, I get you need to talk to people, but I’m just concerned.” Like, I guess Rich’s concern was, “You know, obviously, your family knows that you’re going to struggle, but I also don’t want them thinking badly of me like, oh, she’s gone off to live with him.” And yeah, we’re going through all these normal fights, but he wasn’t being an asshole. It was just growing pains for us as a couple and you know, I’ve always been really careful to really preface anything, if I’m complaining. I want to protect his reputation, I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t think that he was more than worth the little squabbles that we very rarely have now.

Rich: I think that nails, hits the nail on the hit, protecting their reputation because for a lot of people, you are the sole gatekeeper to perceptions of yours partner. Especially around your friends who are closer with you than your partner. So the things you say influence their decision. And if you are telling them they’re useless, and this and that, that’s what they’ll take. And it also will reflect badly on you because everyone’s going to be thinking “Well why did you choose this person that’s so bad, and you’re not happy with them?” You want people, well I would want people to think good of you. And again, yeah, you might make a little joke.

Aindrea: Or, you know, like I remember a friend at work. She was talking about a huge argument she’d had with her husband. I know he’s a really good guy. She talks about how happy they are. And so you know, you and I were having a squabble that week. And I was like, “Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with us either, we normally get along so well.” I always… And it’s not that I’m like, backstabbing, what’s that frame? That term, where you’re like, trying to say something positive because you’re gonna say something negative? I can’t think of what it’s called. It’s got the word back in it. Anyways, I’m not just doing it because I’m afraid to be honest or anything. But I want to frame that, like, “He’s great, but I don’t know what’s going on right now.” Because, yeah, you just don’t want to be smearing shit all over their reputation.

Rich: It just confuses me, because presumably you enter this long term relationship/marriage. And equally long distance, you enter into it because you like this person and they do bring some positivity to your life. So I just don’t understand the psychology of spreading information publicly that they’re useless and pointless and can’t do anything and generally bad for you. Or using them as the butt of your jokes like, I just don’t understand the mentality of why you’d want to do that. And how does it make them feel and then in turn, if you’re making them feel bad, and they’re feeling self conscious, or they’re feeling unhappy, that’s gonna come back to you through their negative emotions.

Aindrea: It’s also it’s putting yourself in a bad light too, like, okay, so you’ve chosen this person, well, okay, you get what you ask for. Also too, you just don’t want to be like someone who airs their dirty laundry everywhere, or, you know, whatever. I mean, obviously, if there’s a real problem in your relationship, you know, abuse whether that’s mental, verbal, physical, yeah, you need to find a way to be heard and get help, or whatever that is, but I think if it’s just the day-to-day squabbles and annoyances and frustrations that come from being in a committed long term relationship. Yeah, you need to kind of, first of all, keep it in perspective. And second of all, be a bit tasteful about that. And I think regularly practising the act of showing gratitude in your relationship will eventually remove the kind of reflex that makes you want to do those kinds of things, air those kinds of things. And I think, you know, the amount of stuff on social media, on the positive side of stuff that’s, you know, there’s these things, you know, you can rewire your brain in 21 days by listing three things you’re thankful for every day, or the movement of keeping a list of things you’re grateful for. People are really trying, I think, to keep a positive mindset. And this whole “I’m blessed, I’m grateful” attitude. You know, I think doing that genuinely does give you a more positive outlook on life. And I think doing it in your relationship has that same effect.

Rich: Yeah. So as far as things to say “thank you” for, because I think a lot of times this is often reserved for what we perceive as the bigger things like oh, you know, you say thank you for your birthday presents or your Christmas present. You might say thank you if they’ve surprised you like, “Oh, you wash my car out of the blue, thanks for doing that.” But I think where people forget is the more mundane things. And actually, in a lot of ways, those are the things that require it more because

Aindrea: They go unnoticed, so much.

Rich: Like, of course they’re going to buy you something at birthday and Christmas, they’d be an arsehole if they didn’t do that; that in a way requires things less than, but you know, when they do something every day, when it’s monotonous and routine, and they don’t want to do it because they’ve done it so much, and then you’re there taking it for granted, because oh, they do that every day. That’s the thing they need thanking for most, because, well because of what I just said, you know, it’s just like, but you’re coupling all that, them not wanting to do it, it’s routine it’s bemundane and they’re feeling it’s a thankless task. And then you’re coming through with this attitude of well, you know, of course, you’re going to do that, I’m taking it for granted. Like, it’s just compounding it. That’s where it needs to be more of an obvious you know what, I appreciate you doing that. Thank you. And it’s like, we should do some examples of like cooking dinners. Number one, and whoever’s doing the the washing of clothes. If someone cleans the house, if someone’s hoovering the floors regularly or someone’s doing the lion’s share of something like domestic chores, walking the dogs cutting the grass, they wash your car.

Aindrea: Quite recently an example is, like, you know, I mentioned we just had a lot of work that the house and there was an episode a few episodes ago, we talked about having alone time from your partner, and there was that night that I was like, right, okay, I’m going to my friend’s house, we’re just getting on each other’s nerves, I think we both could do with the night away from each other. And I just had a fun, it wasn’t like “I’m going out, I’m leaving,” it was just like, “Hey, I’m gonna have fun with my friend, you have a night to yourself, I think we could just both reset and recharge.” Anyways, I knew that there was, you know, a list of things that Rich wanted to get done. There was like a pile of clippings in the garden from a bush, well several bushes we’d trimmed and the trash can for the garden waste was full.

Rich: And this was the next day when I was out volunteering.

Aindrea: So like, yeah, I came home from my friend’s first thing in the morning and Rich was off doing his volunteer mentoring stuff. And I knew like, hey, I want to have a nice day together. So we’re going to go see a film and have lunch. But I was like, I know that you’re going to feel antsy and not want to do that unless a few things that I know have been bothering you around the house have been done. And that was like, yeah, basically like cleaning up this pile of clippings in the yard. There were a few things in the house. And you know, it wasn’t my job, it was something we talked about doing together that day. But it was also supposed to be really hot that day. So I was like, do you know what, I want to get it done early before it gets too hot. And I went home and I just blasted through that list and I was getting ready to go take a shower and text Rich and said, “Hey, I’ve done this, I’ve done this, I’ve done this, because I want us to be able to go out and have a nice day today and reconnect; we’d had that, you know, kind of week kind of griping at each other. And the first thing he said was “Wow, thank you so much. Really appreciate that. Yeah, I’ll be home in a bit and I’ll see you and we’ll go out and have a nice day.” And he didn’t have to thank me, it’s just as much my house as it is his but equally, like I said, it wasn’t just my job. You know, I think,

Rich: You know, part of it is you’re not thanking them for doing the task. Like you said, if I was being an arsehole like “It’s your house as much as mine.” And that is true. What I’m thanking you for is that it had registered with you that it was important to me, and you knew I was going to do it. So you were showing a gesture yourself. So that’s what the thanks is for, the thanks isn’t so much for the task, as it’s the thought behind it. Yeah, you’re thanking them for thinking, basically every time they do something that they’re showing you that you’re in, in their mind, and positively and they want to do something that is meaningful for you. And like, I think maybe that’s something people lose sight of, so if you’re thinking “Well, why am I going to thank them for that, like they’re having dinner why not make mine too?” The point is, you’re not thanking them necessarily for what they’ve done, but for why they’ve done it.

Aindrea: Yeah, and just, yeah, putting your wants or needs or desires or whatever, before theirs; yeah, I’d just had a night at a friend’s, I was a little bit like not hungover but like you know when you have a fair few drinks and you’re really dehydrated like a mini hangover, I didn’t want to go out and do that. But, you know, I knew that it was on his mind, it was annoying him that it hadn’t been done. And I thought, yeah, okay, well, I’ll do that, I’m more than capable. I’ve got two hands, I can do all that. Yeah, it really made a difference and it was a few things that he commented like, “I really wish you’d help with this a little bit more, it would really make life a bit easier on me.” And I acknowledge kind of my shortcomings in that area. And I think it all goes into that, especially if it’s something that someone’s been asking you to do. For example, I mentioned how, like, our study or studio has been out of order, because you know we kind of used this for overflow storage while we were having to shuffle different bedrooms around while we were having work done on the house, and it was just you know, it’s the room that we don’t need every day so it was the last one to kind of get cleared out.

Rich: And the door’s always shut as well so the dogs don’t come in.

Aindrea: Yeah, but like, so there were a few things left in there, I had got the majority of the stuff that was left from the bedrooms out when we kind of rearranged the rooms, but there was like, some paperwork, a few guitar bits, you know, and it was all Rich’s. I didn’t know where he kept that paperwork. I didn’t, you know, I kind of had gotten all my stuff out. And it’d been about two or three weeks, and he didn’t do it because he was lazy, we’ve just been busy. And I’d say probably two or three times like, “Look…”

Rich: You mean I didn’t not do it because I’m lazy? 

Aindrea: Yeah. What did I say? 

Rich: I didn’t do it, because I’m lazy.

Aindrea: Yeah, whatever. You didn’t do it because you’re lazy. Yeah, it wasn’t a matter of that, it just hadn’t got around to. So I made sure that every time I asked him, it was quite positive, like, “Hey, you know, can we get in there and do that, like, I’m happy to help? Hey, you know, we still haven’t done that. And it you know, it’s getting me down, I want be able to get back in there.” And then was it yesterday? Yeah, yesterday morning, we’d done a few kind of reading and kind of personal development bits and then were going to get ready to kind of spend the afternoon together. And I wanted to take a shower and as I was coming down to something out of the dryer he was carrying a pile of paperwork that was from the study and I was like “Oh my god, are you doing the study?” And he’s like, “Yeah, I’m doing it.” And I was like, “Thank you. I was gonna say we should get in there this afternoon.” It was just like, I didn’t have to thank him. It was his shit in here, he needed to move it, I’ve been asking him to, but what’s the harm of saying thank you for doing something that adds joy because I can get back in here and and be creative in this space? I think people almost begrudge thanking people, like are you, is it a pride thing? I don’t really understand. I really think there’s no place for pride in relationships in terms of like, obviously being proud of your spouse and stuff, but like that internal ego pride. There’s no room for that. And in a good relationship that’s healthy, I think it’s damaging. Obviously being house proud together, being proud of your partner’s achievements.

Rich: But pride that can sort of, creates friction.

Aindrea: Yeah, that pride that’s like, “Oh, I’m too proud to do that.”

Rich: It’s arrogance.

Aindrea: Yeah, like Pride and Prejudice pride.

Rich: I’ve not read that.

Aindrea: Well people that are literature lovers may well have, or seen the film. But there’s no room for that. And I don’t think that you should let, like Rich said a few minutes ago “Well why should I thank him? Well, you know it’s my dinner too?” or “Why should I, you know, whatever?” What harm does it do? It’s just a word – “Thank you.” 

Rich: And then sometimes you can think like, again what harm does it do but also what good does it do? Like, how is that going to come back to you? If you’re making them feel good and like, “Oh they noticed that I do this thing” like, you’re more likely to get laid! You’re gonna just have a more harmonious environment that way. So don’t even if you think “Well why am I doing it?” don’t be a dick about it, just say thank you.

Aindrea: I also think that one of the most common, I don’t want to say smaller problems in a relationship but certainly smaller than, you know, cheating, drinking, abuse, the really big red flag, you-need-to-get-out-of-this-relationship problems, but the kind of common problems that people can deal with, one of the biggest complaints, I think is “You don’t appreciate me.” Don’t you think like that, you know, “He doesn’t appreciate me,” “She doesn’t appreciate how hard I work.” “He doesn’t appreciate how well I take care of the kids or keep the house or that I work too on top of all that,” you know, I think that’s a big complaint in a lot of marriages, and a big concern for a lot of couples. So the first step is saying “thank you.” Now, saying thank you alone is not always enough. You have to show you’re thankful, too. And I think that is when you start doing things for them. “Thank you” can be very, those can be two very empty words. “Yeah, thank you but this dinner isn’t what I asked for,” or “Thank you for cleaning that room, but you missed a spot over there on the corner with the Hoover.” Okay, that’s, that’s not really what we’re talking about here, we’re talking about appreciating that they’ve taken the time to make your house look better, or do a special favour for you, or whatever that is, and then pay it back. Or maybe not pay it back with an actual action. Like, “Oh, he vacuums so I’m going to, you know, clean his car or whatever, I’m going to fill up the tank, with gas or petrol,” whatever. It’s more “Okay, well, you know, I can be gracious back and find ways to do it.” I think it’s just a positive train like that, pay it forward.

Rich: That got me thinking, we’ve had at least one person who’s given us feedback from here that they said, they listen to us with their partner separately, and they take notes and they talk about the episode, which is brilliant, and hopefully other people do that. But it’d be good if, from what we’ve just said the takeaway from this is go and think, okay, think of one good thing you can do. So like, if you cook dinner every day, that’s not going to count but think of one thing that would really stand out as a good gesture for them.

Aindrea: Like when you’ve stopped at Starbucks on the way home from work and got me pumpkin spice latte one time.

Rich: Yeah, yeah, because it’s seasonal, yeah. Or when I sent the flowers to your office. Just think of one thing that really stands out, as they will notice it. Do it without expectation of return, but just do it and treat it like an experiment of how do they respond to that. And then equally, maybe your partner’s listening to this, if you get something good, if they do something good for you, really think about how you respond to that. So you could just say, “Thank you, that really means a lot and be verbal,” but like you just said, you could just respond with an action of your own. And it’s the kind of thing that could really be the catalyst for this sort of spiral of you bouncing positive things off each other. “You do that, because you do that for me. And then I’m going to respond with this nice thing for you to know.” That could really be something that you start to bring more of into relationship. That’s the takeaway for this episode. If you get something nice, respond as well as you can,

Aindrea: But it also shows that you’re listening to your partner. And I think, think back on things they’ve said recently like, “Oh, I really want to try and get this done” or “I can’t seem to get to this” or “I’ve been trying to find this.” Like for example…

Rich: Yeah it doesn’t have to be you you buy them something.

Aindrea: Well this example is.

Rich: Yeah but I mean you gave the example before that you knew I wanted stuff done in the garden. And you did it and it showed you’d listened to me and in a way that’s more thoughtful than “I bought you this.”

Aindrea: Well, no, but if it’s something they’ve been trying to figure out, like, for example, we’re really obsessed with coffee. And Rich doesn’t like the coffee machine at his work. So for a while he was stopping at Starbucks in the morning and that really wasn’t cost effective. And we had like a, you tried buying a few different travel mugs, and like ones that we had in the house and none of them were keeping it hot enough. And so I happened to be going to like TJ Maxx, TK Mazz, whatever country you live in. And I was getting a few bits that I wanted to get. And I went and looked at the travel mugs and thought okay, this looks really good. Got it for him. Came home, gave it to him. And it was like, it cost like I don’t know, £8. But you were so, “Oh my gosh, thank you so much!” 

Rich: Well it meant a lot. Because there’s a thought behind it.

Aindrea: Yeah talk about why it meant so much so people can understand.

Rich: Well you just said, like I was getting frustrated that I couldn’t have my coffee. I was taking coffee in from home and it was cold by the time I got there and poured it and I said to you “I need to buy one, I need to buy one.” And then you did it, and it showed, one, you’ve been listening and paying attention.

Aindrea: And I also appreciate the importance of coffee.

Rich: Yeah. And then, you were out and you saw it. And you obviously thought again. So what was so meaningful about it to me was that it just showed there was something you really had been attention, you really thought that would be something I’d like. You hadn’t just wandered around the shop and thought, “Oh, I think you’d like that,” which in its own right would still be nice, but it is more impactful when it’s…

Aindrea: Shows you’ve been listening.

Rich: And it also just goes to show it’s not about the cost, it’s not about what it is, it’s about what it means and I didn’t turn around and say “What you spend £8 on me and I’m supposed to be happy?” It’s like, “Oh, you really listened and you tried to fix a problem of mine and that’s a big deal.”

Aindrea: And it wasn’t a big problem. But you know, people’s morning routines are very important and particularly Rich, I think I’ve mentioned before, is not someone who’s inclined to be particularly bright and shiny in the mornings, he’s a bit of a grump in the mornings.

Rich: It depends. It depends if I’m up on my own terms.

Aindrea: Yeah during the week. And you know what else I noticed? Like he sometimes sets an alarm and doesn’t get up, whatever, I’m the one that’s more reliable getting up in the morning. I’ll go in there and wake him up and be like “Hey, babe, wake up. It’s 6:50 or whatever. Doesn’t even look at me, looks straight at the clock like I’m lying to you. I’ve noticed this: you just turn around and look directly at the clock. And you look at it for a really long time because your eyes are sleepy. What you don’t believe me?

Rich: You know when you’re tired and you’re like “That can’t be right”.

Aindrea: Doesn’t even say “Hey babe, morning.” 

Rich: But also, I’m very particular about the minutes on the clock. So, I’m sure people listening, this will resonate. If you wake up at like, 6:16 I’ve got to wait till 20. I can’t get up between the fives. So same thing, if you say it’s ten to, and it’s actually like 6:48, I’m like “I’ve gstill ot two more minutes what are you waking me up for?” So the clock’s very important.

Aindrea: Anyways, I can’t remember

Rich: I know people listening will get that. Like, “Yeah, you can’t get up at 16 you have to wait for 20; can’t get up at 11 got to wait till quarter past.”

Aindrea: So dumb. Anyways, I know that it’s an important part to his morning and having nice fresh hot coffee, when he gets to work it’s going to make his day feel a bit better and nicer. And if I can, you know, play a part in making that nicer for him by spending £8 then that’s great. And you know, I hope that some mornings when you take the mug off the shelf and you open it up and pour the coffee that you think of me. Do you? 

Rich: No. Well  because I don’t even pour it out I drink it straight from the mug, it keeps it warmer.

Aindrea: No, I mean when you’re pouring it before you’re going to work, before you leave for work.

Rich: Oh, no. I’m just thinking I’ve got to get out the door. I did for a while. Remember I text you after a few days and said “Oh, it really means a lot.” It’s been a little while now, I’m taking it for granted now.

Aindrea: I think you should listen to this episode. After we’re done. I’m just sitting here staring at him with a blank look. 

Rich: I’ve done my thanking, it’s all good.

Aindrea: Oh, yeah. It’s just all you gotta do is say it once. 

Rich: I think I said it a few times.

Aindrea: No you probably did. I’m just embarrassed that I’ve said hopefully he thinks of me and you don’t, and now I sound really needy.

Rich: Well it’s been a little while.

Aindrea: It has been a good few months. But yeah, I think it’s just, you know, think back on why you got together. You got together because you brought each other joy, you wanted to build something together, and you appreciated each other and sex was lovely, and all these things. And as life goes on, and you know, your relationship matures for a few years, I think I’ve said it before that when you share a home together, whether you’re married or not, your relationship can start to feel a little bit like a business. You know, paying bills and running the household together. It is like running a little business, you don’t make any money for it but you live your life. And it seems like throwing in some gratitude just makes it feel a bit less that way, just makes it feel so much more personal. And, and I think you know, your job as a spouse or partner is to add value to someone’s life, brighten their day, Rich always talks about what a privilege it is, someone’s chosen to spend their life with you. What can you do to make them feel

Rich: They’ve made the right choice

Aindrea: Like less burdened or appreciate again, appreciation is a big one.

Rich: Oh, yeah. That’s an important thing to raise. So yeah, recognise the privilege it is to you. But also, this might sound weird. Think about how you’re burden in some ways, you know, like you’re another person that they’ve got to think about. And it’s not a negative thing.

Aindrea: Yeah. I wouldn’t say burden.

Rich: I’m saying burden because I want people to think like, the impact of that, like, yes, you’re in there through mutual choice, hopefully. And they wouldn’t change it for the world. But you still have demands on them that wouldn’t be there if they didn’t have you around. It’s also true that obviously you bring positivity and things that are good that wouldn’t be there if you weren’t around, but I’m just talking about the other side of it for now. I think when you frame it in that way, and you think like, “What am I putting on them that wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for me?” I think that can just sort of make you think, “I’ll do something nice today.” When you say to me “You’ve got to take the bin out.” If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t have to take the bin out.

Aindrea: You probably would.

Rich: I would eventually but at that moment, I’m thinking about something else. And so it’s not I don’t mean anything like negative like you are in your totality a burden, but it’s just the little things that…

Aindrea: I don’t like that, “burden”. I think it’s more like things you have to consider, that’s a better way to say it.

Rich: Consider or do, but the point is if you think “What are the things I’m putting on them that they wouldn’t have to do without me?” And then I’ll do something nice. Make sense?

Aindrea: Yeah. I just don’t want to say the word burden. Is that what you think of me?

Rich: Oh yeah, you’re a massive burden.

Aindrea: I’m gonna give you a titty twister in a minute.

Rich: [Laughs]

Aindrea: He’s doing a big stretch, his arms behind his head. 

Rich: I’m wearing a T shirt, my nipples are covered.

Aindrea: That doesn’t mean –  I can still do it. He’s protecting himself. 

Rich: Okay, so burden. 

Aindrea: I’m not a burden! I only, this is like 

Rich: What I just said is it’s not about the person being a burden in their totality, it’s that not everything that comes into a relationship is good or a benefit or it’s something that needs to be done but it’s like “Ugh”.

Aindrea: It’s like when we were like starting to talk about marriage and you were like, “I know I want to marry you, there’s no one else I want to be with. I just don’t know if I’m ready to settle down yet.” And I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about? You live with your mom, you’re miserable living there. Like I’m only gonna make your life better.” And it was true.

Rich: Yeah. Yeah. 

Aindrea: Not that I had to beg him to marry me or anything. Cause I’m such a fucking burden. I’ll show you burden.

Rich: You are a burden.

Aindrea: Nut sack.

Rich: I think we can wrap it up.

Aindrea: I’m mad at you now.

Rich: No you’re not.

Aindrea: [Laughs]

Rich: We don’t get mad at each other.

Aindrea: Yes, we do.

Rich: Have we got any admin to do?

Aindrea: No, we did it at the beginning.

Rich: Yes, so if you want to – I’m going to say it again – if you want to be a beta reader, so you can read this wonderful exclusive content that we’ve got, and give us feedback…

Aindrea: You sound like you don’t mean it, “This wonderful content.” 

Rich: It’s brilliant. 

Aindrea: No I know but you sounded like you’re mocking it.

Rich: Well, I don’t want to be arrogant.

Aindrea: But don’t mock it. God you’re such a burden.

Rich: No we’ve worked really hard on it and we think it’s going to be really good. And the idea of it is to be like, I’d say a lot of our experience and tips from when we were long distance. And it’s just about…

Aindrea: Knowledge, our wisdom

Rich: But it’s focused on long distance. So obviously the podcast covers relationships in general, this particular piece of content is specifically long distance so if that’s you we really hope and think it will be useful in some capacity. So if you want to be an early reader, tell us what’s good, what’s bad and help us make the final tweaks before it goes to general public.

Aindrea: Do you think that there’s any bits in there that could be useful for non-distance couples?

Rich: I mean, there may be some tidbits like you just said about privilege and stuff like that’s in there. But I think the actual tips and advice we give is tailored to long distance so yeah, if you were to read it and you’re not in one, yeah maybe there would be one or things you could take away, some of the date ideas for example would work in close proximity too, but it was written with you long distance folk in mind. Yes, so come and find us on Instagram MrMrsDistance Twitter is also MrMrsDistance. If you visit LongDistanceToMarriage.com you can send us an email, whatever method, if you want to get a copy and read it drop us a message and let us know. Subscribe to the podcast if you haven’t already.

Aindrea: Yes, please. And if you’re listening on iTunes, please leave us a review. 

Rich: Yeah, that really does help us beat the algorithm and we’re getting more people who found us to through iTunes.

Aindrea: Yeah, I think iTunes has changed their podcast categories.

Rich: Yeah, we’re now in relationships.

Aindrea: Which didn’t exist before exist. 

Rich: That’s nice.

Aindrea: So I think it’s probably a bit more relevant.

Rich: If you could leave us a review, that’d be wonderful. Only if it’s good. We don’t want shit reviews. Send us an email and tell us it’s shit.

Aindrea: Yeah, if you think we’re shit

Rich: Fuck off.

Aindrea: Don’t be such a burden.

Rich: Yeah.

Aindrea: You’re a burden to our podcast.

Rich: Yeah. I think that’ll do. Tune in next week. I say tune in, listen whenever you want. It’s digital.

Aindrea: Yeah, see if I’m still talking about burdens next week or if i’ve got over it.

Rich: I’ll be buried under the patio if you’ve not forgiven me next week.

Aindrea: No our patio’s brick. That’s a lot of work. I’m too lazy for that. I’ll just hound you and nag you and tell you be nice to me.

Rich: And on that note…

Aindrea: Bye!