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E83: Nudes and intimacy

This week, we’re revisiting the topic of nudes, originally covered in episode 23. But this time, we look at how incorporating the sending of nudes in your relationship can actually establish trust, reinforce intimacy, and really help couples who are apart – even those who have found themselves in a temporary long distance relationship as a result of coronavirus lockdown restrictions. 

From Long distance to marriage – Episode 83 transcript

Rich	Hi everyone. Welcome to episode 83 From Long Distance to Marriage. Today we are going to be revisiting an older episode, 23, which was nudes if you have been with us that long. We had an interesting email from a listener, who I guess is fairly new to our podcast and was listening to the older episodes. She reached out to us after listening to that episode that she was excited to see it, but it wasn’t the episode she hoped it might be, which is probably a good opportunity for us to mention a couple of things. One is anything mentioned on this podcast is just our opinion and not necessarily right for everyone. The purpose of the nude’s conversation was primarily to say there can be pros and cons to it and just make sure you know the cons to it. In this day and age, with modern technology and instant communication being so prevalent, which can act without necessarily thinking. We just want to make people aware of the consequences so you can know whether you are prepared to deal with them. If you are prepared then go for it, there is no intended judgement from us on that.
Aindrea	Not at all. I thought we said it in the episode. It’s been quite a while now.
Rich	It was 60 episodes ago.
Aindrea	We sent nudes to each other. So absolutely no judgement. You never want to make people feel judged but as Rich said this is a podcast between 2 people and it’s our opinions.
Rich	The other thing I wanted to say on that was that our audience is quite diverse. So, some topics are going to be more relevant to specific people to others. The obvious examples for that are people who are physically long distance, and some are for those who live together. Age plays a part in this; some listeners are a lot younger than others so life expectancies can be different. Just to make the point that we have never really touched on before that, not every episode is going to be for you, but hopefully, there will be enough for you to take value where you can.
Aindrea	To be fair, you are really opinionated and some things you say can come across as really strong.
Rich	I have strong opinions but loosely held.
Aindrea	You are a passionate speaker. Sometimes you say stuff and you are really excited because you are passionate about what we are talking about. Sometimes it can sound very much like what you’re saying is the only way, and that’s just the way your tone comes off sometimes. For those who don’t know you in real life, that’s not how it actually is.
Rich	The other point of this was this listener has said, which I think is a good idea which is why we are revisiting this episode, is talking about nudes is a great opportunity to build trust and intimacy across borders which is obviously higher up on everyone’s radar right now because of Coronavirus. With no further ado, we will get into it.
Aindrea	Nudes.
Rich	Nudes. We love nudes.
Aindrea	Yeah. There’s nothing wrong with nudes. A lot of what we wanted to talk about last time is how to do it safely and not get taken advantage of.
Rich	On that direct point, just going back to different segments of our audience. The last episode we did was inspired by a documentary we just watched about kids in school. It was high school relationships and how they send nudes to each other. We felt a bit worried after watching that so that episode was some ways aimed towards younger people. There are different risks when you’re younger on this. You are in a school environment and they may think I will just show this it is no big deal. I feel like that diminishes as you get older.
Aindrea	Yes. People begin to understand when they’re older what’s sacred and what isn’t. There is a risk with younger people. It’s something that we just happened to notice being involved in the long-distance community, that a lot of younger people are involved in long-distance relationships. So, we saw that and then were worried for all these young people in long-distance relationships.
Rich	There’s an element that we have a responsibility for our audience. We get messages from our audience who are very young. So, some of the things we talk about are inspired by what we know people are going through and experiencing. We have also got nieces and nephews, so we think we don’t want them to feel pressured to do things in their life, so that’s why we wanted to address that. A lot of the time, there could be this moral judgement around nudes, especially if you’re a kid, which you’re probably not going to talk to your parents about. A lot of the information you get about it is going to be either from friends who may be like yeah do it, I send them all the time, or from people saying never do it. So, we are trying to be that voice that says look we have no moral judgement against it, we do it, it’s great, it’s a lot of fun. We have a section devoted to nudes in our Ultimate Guide to Long Distance Relationships. But like anything, just think about what could go wrong, and if it does go wrong, we’re not saying that’s your fault, we are not victim-blaming here. If it went wrong and that person betrayed my trust and did the thing that they shouldn’t do, would I be okay with whatever came of it?
Aindrea	With that comes a level of maturity and like you said having that thought of this could happen. There’s no victim-blaming, it’s on them but you have to remember that they wouldn’t have them in the first place if you didn’t feel comfortable sending them. So, before you do, just thinking of what could happen and whether you would be okay with that.
Rich	There is a permanence with the internet. On Snapchat, things can disappear, but people take screenshots. I take the view that anything you put online is there forever. You have every little control over it which is the overriding point. So, if anyone listened to that previous episode and our thoughts weren’t 100% clear, that’s what we were trying to say. We would never say don’t it but before you do it just think it through.
Aindrea	It’s protecting yourself. We would never tell people not to have sex if they want to do, but we would say wear a condom if it’s someone new or you don’t know what the situation is. It’s just that extra layer of protection. Maybe that’s a silly comparison.
Rich	No. I think it’s a good comparison because we’re not saying that whoever has sex is irresponsible but just take that precaution. The other thing with this too is there are two types of people you are going to send them to. There are new people, it doesn’t have to be in a long-distance arena or people you know. Your thought process between the two situations is going to be different. But this episode is going to be about where they fit int hat building intimacy and creating trust.
Aindrea	Yeah. On the topic of creating trust. They can be hugely beneficial, but you also need to have some level of trust before you send that. In terms of whether they are going to be received positively and you’re going to trust that the person won’t pick up on certain insecurities and make fun of you. I can’t compare this to a new situation, but I remember in the early days of the chat rooms as a teenager, of sharing a normal photo of myself and people were really mean and would find anything to tease people about. It’s looking at more once you have those things established, you know you can trust this person in terms of they’re not going to say anything mean to you or do anything untrusty with a photo then it’s where can that go? I do just want to touch on if you’re not sure if you trust someone and want to send them one anyway and you’re comfortable with that and not concerned about anything else happening then that’s absolutely fine. You don’t have to feel self-conscious about this if you don’t want to.
Rich	As long as you have thought it through.
Aindrea	You don’t have to feel self-conscious about your body. We aren’t body shaming. You do what you want to do. Whatever works, that’s fine. We just know that for us there was some thought process. Even now, I get worried that I am going to press the wrong button and it ends up somewhere it shouldn’t be. In terms of building a relationship, there’s so much power there, long-distance or not. There are so many ways you can impact your relationship. There’s a teasing quality that’s amazing if you’re not long distance. Maybe you have a date night that night and you want to build things up so you’re sending seductive shots throughout the day.
Rich	We spoke about this in our Ultimate Guide. We spoke about the chase is better than the catch. Sex is great but when you’re expecting it and there’s that anticipation then that’s fantastic and the sex just tops it off. You can really draw out leading up to it, it’s like extended foreplay. That doesn’t have to be long-distance at all. Maybe you can start sending pictures in the morning and as the day goes on there are few clothes on. They can absolutely play a role in building that intimacy. With long-distance, you can still do a thing with them.
Aindrea	Yeah. Right now, especially when people may have been apart longer than they’re used to with lockdown and Coronavirus measures. Maybe I just have a bad memory, but I know when I am apart from someone a long time, I can start to struggle to conjure their image in my mind. It doesn’t matter how much you know someone; it can become a glimpse rather than a clear visual of who they are and what they look like. If you have now been apart 3 to 4 extra months because of this then maybe that’s hard. Nudes are hugely powerful in that. Let’s face it, you are going to be down to purely pleasuring yourself right now if you’re separate and in a long-distance relationship. The closet you can do is phone sex or maybe go on webcam. Even still, it’s great those tools are there’s still a physical barrier that you can’t touch each other. So, if you are in a situation here, you’re not having phone or video sex, you’ve still got that image that you can look at and see their body which you are missing terribly.
Rich	When you hear nudes, there are for obvious reasons, but they are intrinsically linked to sexual stuff, but they can be a huge part of intimacy in general. Intimacy can include touching their knee, having a cuddle, having a kiss. When I say nudes, it’s an umbrella term. They can be a completely naked photo, but they can be a teasing provocative photo.
Aindrea	It can just be a shot of a body part.
Rich	Yeah. It doesn’t have to be completely nude. You could be wearing lingerie. But for argument’s sake, we’re just going to say nudes. When you’re missing someone and want that intimacy and building that relationship, it’s not just I want to see your tits and int hat sexual environment. This is where it all comes back to, where bikini shots can be more arousing than complete nudes because there’s an element of mystery.
Aindrea	Yeah. If you think about the human form, it’s been glorified and captured in art. I don’t think most people look at classical paintings and get turned on. It’s just beautiful. It’s a beautiful recreation of the body. The human form is hugely appreciated. Having that of your partner is like a special secret between the two of you. When you are with someone and fully committed and crazy about each other, possession is the wrong word but you do feel like you belong to one another, and giving that part, if you’re happy to send them and you trust each other, it’s really liberating to send that and to know that they’ve got that kept somewhere in their pocket, they’ve got that, they feel good, they probably pleasure themselves to it. It’s an experience that can bring you closer when you are apart. There’s a sense of we belong to one another. You can’t have this physically right now, but I am showing that I trust you and love you and want you to have this image of me and my natural figure. It’s really powerful. I don’t know if people can think of it like that, maybe further along when you’re a bit older you do but thinking of our younger audience the concern would be that’s the done thing.
Rich	Yeah. That’s my concern. There is this almost expectation. This comes back to what I said before if you’re in school and you go look at this picture Tracey has just sent me and show everyone and think it’s great, this is fun, that’s very different to when you’re older and wiser and more mature. This is equally not a judgement on age, maturity massively varies by person. At any age, you can have different maturity levels depending on your personality, but we are generalising here. It’s probably worth having a conversation with each other saying I am happy to send this but where are you going to be keeping this.
Aindrea	I think we spoke about this in episode 23. There are apps that have passwords where you can store things like that.
Rich	Is it on the condition where if we break up you must delete them, or can they keep it? Does it matter to you is going to have that picture potentially when you’re no longer with them? Some people won’t care at all about that, but some people will. These are just the questions to consider first. If we were ever to get divorced, we haven’t had that conversation. But intimacy at the minute with COVID has really put this under the magnifying glass for a lot of people. It’s given a lot of people a flavour of that distance and separation when they wouldn’t normally have it. People who lived in the same town or not very far away from each other, during lockdown in a lot of places in the world couldn’t see each other. Geographically it’s a micro level, but the impact on you maybe even worse.
Aindrea	Yeah. A friend of mine’s girlfriend lives a few towns away, maybe about half an hour, and I was talking to him asking how they were. He said they were going on socially distanced walks, but I can’t imagine how infuriating that would be to be with the person you love, in a physical relationship with, you can see each other but not physically touch. That might be worse than long distance because the temptation is 2m away from you.
Rich	It’s a bit like dieting. If you say I can’t have that food, you’re never thinking I am going to be good, it’s just not on the table. It’s the same with relationships, you’re thinking about them, but you know it’s off the table touching them and kissing them. Whereas if you can see that person in person but you have to be 6 feet away.
Aindrea	It could be like real life nudes. If you find a field somewhere, you can stand there naked. You can potentially get arrested so that may not be the best idea. I remember the first time we started sending nudes, I was terrified, just because I had never done it before. There was a little part of me that was like I have never met this guy, yes, I have known him for years and we had met on webcam, so I knew he was what he said he was. But it’s also the thrill of is he going to like what he sees in these pictures. I suppose it’s the same feeling you have when you first get undressed in front of someone if you haven’t exchanged nudes before. If you just meet someone in a normal organic way, not that online isn’t normal, but say you meet through friends or work, the first time you have sex they’re seeing you naked for the first time. There’s still that thrill but there’s a delay. When you’re in person and take your clothes off, you can see someone’s initial reaction when they like what they see or not. We all know in a long-distance relationship; it can be terrifying if someone hasn’t replied to you quickly when you have made yourself vulnerable. So, if you send them an image, you are waiting for that response. We did it in email. Those aren’t instant.
Rich	You can’t see if they’ve been seen.
Aindrea	So, there is an adrenaline rush to it. Most times there going to come back with something positive to say but I am highlighting the emotions and thrill you can get from it. Even if you’ve met and apart because of COVID, sending nudes to each other even if it’s something you’ve never done before can be a way to spice things up right now and find the thrill and excitement in your relationship again.
Rich	On the trust thing, it’s not just the case that trust is already required to send nudes, they can also play an important part in facilitating that trust. They may force a conversation, such as where are you going to be keeping this and it may prompt different questions and discussion. Again, there is probably more than one way this would arise. One is the clique slide into your DMs and asks to send nudes, that’s one I would not recommend. But another could be a person you’re in a relationship with, you know the person, then nudes help to create that trust.
Aindrea	Yeah. They can add to a certain level of an already existing trust, but I won’t change my opinion on there needs to be a level of trust before you send that.
Rich	Yeah, but they can help to facilitate it too.
Aindrea	Yeah. That’s what I was talking about when I mentioned vulnerability. When you send this to someone, it shows trust on both parts. It shows that you trust them that they are going to take it appropriately and it’s a certain level of trust on the other person that they are going to facilitate it.
Rich	9 times out of 10, they’re going to respond positively. That again helps level up that trust. They may have said the right things, you feel like you have made the right decision, I feel good about myself, I am happy to do this again. I gave them that opportunity to prove that I can trust them. If they respond in a positive way, then that validates your decision that you felt that you could trust them in the first place.
Aindrea	It’s whatever works for everyone. If you feel like you dint want to do it till you’re married, that’s okay. Whatever works for every person.
Rich	Yeah. I suppose the other thing to say on this is, partly in the context of COVID and building intimacy, there’s more to intimacy and to trust that nudes. If you feel like they’re asking for questions every day and that’s all they want, that’s indicative that there needs to be other things as well. This isn’t a problem about nudes. Anything can become relied on, is it compensating for the fact that we’re in lockdown, we’re not talking anymore, all we’re doing is exchanging pictures. It’s nothing to do with the nude themselves, it’s if you’re relying on them and compensating for not talking.
Aindrea	Yeah. Things can become a fetish. We watched some stuff where they said you come to a certain point where you have to have that thing to get off and enjoy yourself. It’s great to incorporate these things but if you then rely on them, they can have further down issues. They’re there to add variety and spice things up.
Rich	Yeah. So hopefully this helps. Hopefully, COVID and everything will disappear, and anyone affected by it can become unaffected by it. We are pro nude.
Aindrea	Yeah definitely. We are pro anything as long as it doesn’t hurt anymore. Everyone lives their own truth and does things their way and it’s great to try things that you are a bit scared of as long as you do them in a way that you are at least a little bit comfortable with.
Rich	Yeah. The analogy I always use when you’re on conversations of particular victim-blaming, you lock your front door when you leave the house.
Aindrea	You put your seatbelt on in the car.
Rich	You can justifiably say well if anyone breaks into my house, they violated my trust, they did the bad thing. That’s 100% true but you still do the thing that helps to reduce that risk. It doesn’t mean that they still can’t get in, but you do the thing that reduces the risk. So, us saying think things through and the potential consequences and what they mean to you is the same. We aren’t saying don’t leave your house because someone may break-in, we’re saying lock your front door.
Aindrea	It’s also important to bear in mind that different cultures have different opinions on this too. When we were first together when Rich and I wanted to have unprotected sex, I asked Rich to get tested and he thought that was unusual, maybe because it’s not as common here.
Rich	Testing is not necessarily uncommon, but you wanted the whole blood test route, which is less common.
Aindrea	Whereas that’s fairly common.
Rich	I have learned that Americans love blood tests.
Aindrea	We don’t necessarily love blood tests.
Rich	Don’t you have to have a blood test to get married? Whereas that’s not here.
Aindrea	All I am saying is, especially in a long-distance relationship, if you are from different cultures, different countries, different backgrounds.
Rich	Also, upbringing. If you were brought up more conservative, that’s going to play a part in your opinions and perceptions.
Aindrea	Yeah. Anytime you are asking the person you’re in a relationship with, even if you don’t have a different culture, background, their upbringing and family can be quite different. Anytime you ask them to be vulnerable, whether that’s through sex or their feelings or nudes, you have to make sure they’re okay with it. You need to give people a chance to understand and know if they’re going to be comfortable with it. They may need some time to come around to the idea. No matter what it is, but int his case nudes, maybe the first step isn’t to just send one of yourself, but maybe talk about it, then you just know.
Rich	Yeah. Trust and intimacy are important, especially in long-distance. You can’t do intimacy in the traditional way so there are other ways that you have to try build and create it, without any judgement. Do whatever you feel like you need to do that you’re both happy and comfortable with. We think nudes can play a part in that.
Aindrea	It’s important to explore other ways to increase your intimacy. I know being together as long as we have, we have reached 10 years of being together and 16/17 years of knowing each other online, there’s so many opportunities to deepen and grow your relationship and facets that can contribute to that. Sometimes that’s having a hard conversation and might feel shit when you’re doing it but after you’ve had it you then feel so much closer to you, we understand each other better and we’re in a much better place now. Nudes can contribute to that too, even when you’re not a part, it can be a really nice way of showing this is yours and I love you.
Rich	The thing about them too on the intimacy front, you are learning more than the genital side of things, you are learning more about the body and them in their totality.
Aindrea	Yeah. Especially when it’s new, you want to know and appreciate everything about this person.
Rich	And when you see them in a real life, you’ve already seen that little mole.
Aindrea	You want to know all their secrets. It sounds creepy and filthy, but you do just want to be inside of each other. I don’t mean that in a sexual way. I remember when we were first together and we would be snuggling, I could never get close enough, I just wanted to snuggle into you. Nudes can help if you are apart and make you feel a bit closer. You can gaze upon each other as often as you need. Happy nude sending. See you guys next week.