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E82: Feeling lonely in your relationship

In this week’s all new episode, we’re focusing on loneliness in relationships. Long distance presents it’s own challenges with loneliness, which are discussed at length, but so do face to face relationships. Many people living in the same home as their significant other experience loneliness. What does it mean, and what can cause it? When is it valid, and when is it in your head? What should you do about it? Hear all this when you tune in to episode 82. 

From Long distance to marriage – Episode 82 transcript

Aindrea	Hi everybody. Welcome to episode 82 From Long Distance to Marriage. Before we get into today’s topic, we wanted you to know that we’re sorry that we weren’t around last week. If you saw our Instagram post, we took the week out, obviously restrictions around lockdown have started to lift so we were able to see some family in a socially distanced capacity in the backyard because the weather was nice. Then we had some Father’s Day stuff, to see Rich’s dad and stepdad. So, we took a conscious break last week. I think now we are getting the opportunity to get out, not just us but people in general, it’s important to prioritise safely getting out a bit. With over 3 months in the house, everyone needs a break from that. I think there’s something you want to mention as well.
Rich	Yeah. We had an email last week from someone in a long-distance relationship who listens to our episodes saying they needed support and asking if we are offering support. We just want to make sure if anyone isn’t aware that you can work with us. We work with couples who need some support, help or guidance with whatever stage you are in. We currently have some space to support people if you feel like that would be beneficial then get in touch with us.
Aindrea	A little bit of space. I think it’s important to highlight that we’re not therapist.  This is coaching going off our experiences and how we approached things. So, it’s important to know the distinction between these two things. I think that’s it in terms of admin. Today we wanted to talk about loneliness in relationships. What can cause loneliness and when you should be concerned and when maybe you shouldn’t be concerned. Just the point out this could be relevant to long distance relationships but also face to face normal relationships, whether you live in the same town or in the same house, loneliness can creep in. It’s important to understand when it’s a problem, when it’s co-dependency or maybe when it’s just natural changes in the relationship. Talking about long distance first of all, of course you’re going to feel lonely as the person isn’t there with you, however you shouldn’t feel emotionally alone because you should be talking constantly and communicating effectively and consistently with each other. There’s a couple of things that play in there. If there’s loneliness that you feel should be addressed because you feel there’s something that can be done about it. For example, if you feel like the other person has plenty of time to talk to you but don’t or there just seems to be some barriers in your communication then those are things you want to address. But if your situation is, maybe one of you is in the military or works weird shifts and not able to communicate as regular as you want to, that’s something you have to work around and accept to an extent that there’s going to be times in the day where you can’t contact them or hear from them. But if it is a situation where you feel like something can be done, maybe the effort isn’t there or they don’t communicate the same as you do, then I think it’s important that you take a step back and think about what’s the current structure of your communication that’s making you feel lonely. Again, this is specific to long distance. What do you think about that?
Rich	We’ve got 81 other episodes. Our regular listeners will know that I always come back to relationships shouldn’t complete you, they should complement you. So, if you’re in a relationship because you’re hoping this is going to make up feelings of inadequacy or you need someone in your life because you don’t like your own company, anything along those lines, you’re going to have a harder problem with this. The reality of it is there are going to be times, particularly the longer the relationship goes on where one of you is going to be less present. Recently I have been very busy with work which means I am around less than I was around the month before that. It’s got nothing to do with not wanting be around you or spend less time with you. You have two responses really. You can either say that’s the way it has to be for the time being or you can take it really personally and act like it’s because I don’t want to eb around you. It’s inevitable that there’s going to be times where, one at a time, you’re going to be less present. If you are in that relationship because you need that person to make you feel good, you’re going to have a much harder time with it.
Aindrea	Yeah. There’s a perfect example of this actually. So yeah Rich has started a different business venture and has been very busy. I have been very supportive and understanding. He’s working late nights and I am fine with that and happy to support that. But we had a situation this week where we had something special to celebrate, we set the evening aside to do something nice together but then about half an hour/ hour into the evening, Rich had an emergency work situation which took up the night, so that I felt different about because that was designated time. So in this situation, where your partner is less present because they have something demanding their attention, and it’s nothing against you, it’s just a natural part of life like work or school, that’s where you should be supportive but also speak up for yourself if you feel like that generosity and support is being abused. So, I said something about that, I said we had planned this, I was really looking forward to it now most the evening has gone because of this and that hurts me. So, we had a quick chat about boundaries and what I expect and what he knows, and it was fine. It didn’t become a big argument. I was definitely upset and hurt but I think that was the healthiest ways I have ever handled a situation, but that comes from growth and getting to know each other. Doing this podcast really sheds a lot of light for each of us for what the other thinks and expects and needs. It’s knowing when it’s actually a problem and something you need to adjust to or speak up about. You’re totally right, there’s 2 ways to react but it’s not always reacting the same way over and over again. Sometimes you will have to say hold up we need a boundary here or we need to talk about this because that part isn’t right.
Rich	Yeah. But that example wasn’t really about you feeling lonely but about boundaries itself. Loneliness is going to come in different forms too. We know long distance couples in particular who literally communicate all days, they’re on facetime 20 odd hours a day, they are most likely to feel lonely if one of them isn’t available. But then we have couples who might feel lonely in a different scenario, they are not talking as often, that may make you feel lonely if you’re not hearing from them in a day, or if you live together, you may feel lonely if one of you has to work away. You’re going to feel it for all different reasons. Each of them is valid but maybe how reasonable it is will vary. It’s very reasonable if, say I have to go away for a week and you have to stay on your own, loneliness is inevitable int hat situation. If you are pining because they’re going to see a movie and away for an hour, that’s the complete opposite on the end of the spectrum, I am not saying it’s not valid, but it may be an indication that you’re too dependent.
Aindrea	Yeah. From a long-distance perspective, you have to one accept loneliness is going to be a part of your life because you’re not physically together. Two you really need to reflect as to whether when you do feel lonely if it’s the appropriate feeling or there’s something that you could do about it. One scenario is if they’re going to the movies with their friends and you’re feeling lonely from that, that’s probably not right. If something has entered their life like a friend or hobby and that starts to take up more and more of their life and that takes time away from you and you’re getting a lot less time from them and that’s making you feel lonely then that’s worth saying hey I know you’ve got this new thing that means a lot to you, I don’t want to take that away from you, but the time it’s taking away from me is not okay, can we talk about this? It’s just analysing the situation and your feelings closely, because something that can happen in long distance is that your feelings start to become illogical. In long distance relationships, particularly in women because we sometimes find it hard to control our emotions. That’s not to be sexist, but that’s what I find to be with myself and the women in my life. Because of that it’s easier for us to get carried away with our feelings. Guys are very different, they probably see this situation as we talked this morning, I can’t see her anyway, so I am going to go to the movies with my friends. There is nothing wrong with that, but I think girls can take that quite personally. We experienced this in our relationship. I certainly never told you off for it, but I did feel a bit low that he had plans, but I tried to make plans too and tried not to think about it too much. It comes back to what you said earlier about making sure you are your own person and have your own interests. You have to be honest with yourself, whether your feelings are actual loneliness because you’re being neglected or whether it’s because of the situation or because you’re being a little bit too sensitive. But it can be a lot more complex when you are living together or in a face to face relationship because someone can be physically there but also incredibly not present, if that makes sense. We hear about this, particularly in people who have been married for a long time, and then just feel like roommates and don’t feel like they’re in a relationship. That’s something very different and more the topic we wanted to dig into today. It’s vital to understand that we grow as a couple together, but we also grow as individuals. Over time we find things that excite us as individuals and sometimes that’s not something you won’t share with your partner and that’s fine. Sometimes you’ll find a hobby that you bond over together, maybe it’s tennis, travelling, wine tasting. But there will be some hobbies that your other half may not find interesting and then that’s your own thing to enjoy. I think sometimes when we find these independent pursuits it can feel like loneliness. We do have an episode on growing apart as a couple, which may be a good one to listen to if you’re interested in this topic. But you have to control your emotions when it comes to that.
Rich	Yeah. The particular ideal in a relationship is that you become one entity, but you don’t. You have moments when you become on entity, but you are two individuals. That’s something we do advocate that you don’t lose your identity. It’s sad, you see relationships where people just give up their hobbies and everything that interests them so they can spend all their time together. That means that you’re going to be an unfilled person if you’re giving everything up that makes you you. In my opinion, it’s not the best way to make the other person attracted to you because then there’s nothing interesting about you anymore. I think it’s really important that you don’t sacrifice yourself for the relationship, you have to have you as a couple and you as a person.
Aindrea	There are many reasons for that. But two I think are particularly important. One is yes you want to be your own person anyway and want to find fulfilment for your own self, which is really important, living a full life and being more than your role as a spouse. But there’s another reason too, it’s probably not very popular to talk about and some might see it as doom and gloom, but god forbid something may happen to your partner or in your relationship. I always talk about investing in yourself and being comfortable in who you are and happy with your own company, because at the end of the day you as a person, what makes you happy and your beliefs, is all you have. Everything else can be taken away, your home, your family, your pets. I hope it never happens, but it could. We could end up not together for a variety of reasons. One of us could completely change our minds about something, another person could come into the picture. There’s lots of reasons why a relationship can end. We owe it to ourselves that we are going to be okay in life no matter what happens to us. Part of that is ensuring you are independent and can function as just yourself, not just as a half of a whole. It always brings me back, when Rich and I were long distance and I was really struggling, I remember my sister and I went to a concert and having a great time and she was asking how I was doing because she knew I was having a hard time with the distance. She is married and at the time she had one child, she has 2 now. I remember her saying you just have to know if it doesn’t work out and can’t overcome the distance, you’ll be okay. She said heaven forbid something happened to my husband, I would be very upset of course and massively affected but I know that I could go on. You have to think about these things and how you would go on. It’s not the happy smile, rainbows, unicorns, but there are dark things in life, and we have to do the best to prepare ourselves.
Rich	Yeah. At the end of the day, very few people get married with the intention to get divorced, everyone thinks it’s going to last forever but divorce does happen quite a lot. Anything can happen, and if your entire happiness is based on this relationship then that’s an indication that you’ve got work to do.
Aindrea	Yeah absolutely.
Rich	But equally, if we’re going to talk about loneliness. You can be lonely in a happy healthy relationship. You can have conversations about it, maybe like I accept you’re busy but why don’t we have a movie night on Friday. We speak about the importance of date nights. If you’re feeling lonely then dates are really effective to help overcome that because you get the quality time, you’re craving without it being a battle of wills.
Aindrea	In a lot of ways, the older you get the busier you get, especially people who have young families. I know people who have multiple small children feel like their relationship takes a back seat. One or both of you is working, then one of you may be the primary caregiver where the other person works more. You can start to feel like you’re both going in opposite directions. So regular date nights are massively important. I think it’s really important, you need to make sure you communicate about something real once a day. So, that means, more than just how you doing? What are you doing today? Something beyond that. For example, what do you think about this current issue in the world, I was thinking about us doing this next year, what do you think? You need to connect like that once a day, as a minimum. It’s really important to also bear in mind that mental health issues can play a huge part in feeling lonely. We often get trapped in our own heads, with like depression and anxiety. I know there’s been periods before where I have been in a bubble of anxiety or depression and I have said to Rich I don’t feel like you’re making an effort right now or that we’re not connecting por I feel lonely, and he will say okay I am sorry you’re feeling that way but did you notice that I did this? Sometimes I didn’t notice he was doing those things that showed he was making an effort to connect with me, but I was so in my head that I wasn’t seeing it. It’s important to separate that out because it’s a separate issue to work through. It doesn’t mean your partner shouldn’t support you, but you’re not going to get anywhere if you don’t address that. There’s something else on that topic, which isn’t really mental health, but we’ve talked a lot about the love languages before, and that’s whether you need physical touch or words of encouragement or acts of service. You might feel like your partner isn’t meeting your needs or you’re feeling lonely and not connected. A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words. Two things, one if you’re not listening then you won’t hear your partners efforts and if you aren’t looking then you might not see their actions. Say you really need acts of service, favours, helping you out to feel loved, maybe you haven’t had that conversation with your partner. Maybe your partner is giving you lots of physical attention, hugging you, but your feelings and your needs aren’t being met. You need to take a step back and see where they’re putting the effort in and acknowledge that they are trying. I know that’s something a lot of couples have had to address, we have before. But sometimes the loneliness can be because we’re not seeing things clearly. If it comes back to the fact that you’re actually being neglected and it’s a warranted feeling, what do you think couples should do to address that?
Rich	If it’s genuine loneliness, to me this comes back to the question before, about the self-awareness of why you’re in this relationship. If you’re in this relationship because they make you really happy but they’re really busy, or the relationship is not what you expected it to be, or you’re in it because you’re just hoping it’s going to be something else, or you desperately want to be with someone. You can’t force it. It’s possible that it might not be the right relationship for you, cut your losses, move on. But if you’re the problem, those problems are going to keep following you and you’re either going to have to deal with them or keep repeating that cycle of cutting your loses and moving on, it’s better to just deal with them. I think a lot of times, they are going to be positive healthy relationships that just need some understanding. Especially right now with the state of the world, there’s a lot of panic and uncertainty, people having to work more to keep their job. There is a lot going on right now where understanding is going to be needed on both sides.
Aindrea	Yeah, totally. I think it’s also important to remember that you should know your partner pretty well and be able to recognise when you’re feeling lonely and look at their behaviour and see if somethings on their mind right now or whether something is genuinely wrong.  Maybe they are actually being cold or distant. Unfortunately, Rich’s focus face is very similar to his pissed off face, so there’s been a few incidents in the past few months where he’s been going down this new business venture route where he’s had this look on his face and I have thought he’s pissed off at me so I have asked what’s up and then I can tell that he’s just concentrating and he’s just thinking of work. There was a couple of weeks where I have had to ask him which then makes me realise that he’s just got a lot on his mind. You have to think about what that means for you if you’re feeling lonely, and if it is a result of changing circumstances, changing job, changing location, your kids. You have to just accept your relationship will start to change and develop, it’s not going to be like when you first got together, if it stayed that way that wouldn’t be really great, you should develop and grow as people and a couple. I know I have had this problem. The first summer we spent together when we first met was amazing, but our focus was solely 100% on each other. Rich was freelancing so didn’t do much work when I was there. That month was just us travelling, seeing movies together, spending the days and nights together. It was like a vacation, and then we were apart which was horrible, then Rich spent time in the states and stayed with me and my family. I was working every day and I had a huge adjustment issue to that. I thought this isn’t the fairy tale it was, we were still crazy about each other but there was real life to do which we hadn’t had to do before. We were in this bubble. So, it’s important to also manage your expectations too and understand that our expectations are in our mind, we dream about them and sometimes be on a pedestal and not possible to meet. It’s really about understanding what’s reasonable and what isn’t. If you are lonely, I think what you said Rich is true is that sometimes you need to face the fact that this relationship isn’t for you. But you should only come to that after trying a few different things. If you’re feeling really lonely and otherwise you’re happy but there just isn’t enough time for each other anymore, it needs to start with the conversation of, hey I have been feeling lonely and we’re really busy and our situation has changed, but I don’t want this to become a thing and let’s talk about how we fix that. That might fix it, it might fix it for a few weeks and it’s something you need to keep working at. Unfortunately, that’s just the case. But if your partner is making the effort and it’s just something to work at, that might just be what your relationship is going to be like and that’s okay if both parties and making the effort. If you raise the issue and they make effort once and you mention it again and they said stop bugging me, that might be something where you should go to therapy and address the issue.
Rich	Yeah. On the subject of therapy, it’s not something you should wait to do when things get bad, it’s a preventative measure. You don’t take insurance out when someone has already robbed your house. As humans, we are wired to preserve things we have got. We view risk as the potential of losing something, that’s why we wait till things go wrong. People go to therapy when things have gone wrong and they are scared of losing something, rather than preserving it before it gets bad. That’s the shift that’s needed. So, don’t view therapies as a negative thing to save your relationship. View it as a visit to the mechanic. Just change your perspective on things, get an outsider’s opinion, help you keep things running smoothly. View that as an investment too. Divorce is expensive, there’s cost involved, and emotional trauma involved. So, therapy in comparison is not, it’s an investment, your marriage is an investment. We always say that a relationship should be a positive to your life and if it’s not then you should address things, it should be bringing good to your life. Therapy is not negative, or something to be ashamed of, or wait to do until you’re on the ropes before you consider it.
Aindrea	Absolutely. If you’ve brought it up and tried to work at it or your partner refuses to work at it, or therapy doesn’t work, that’s probably the point where you need to think that your needs aren’t being met, they’re obviously not a priority to them, and you can’t live with that, then you need to explore what the answer is and what your options are. Maybe it’s not the right relationship for you. I think it’s normal to be lonely sometimes, sometimes you go through periods of being down and feeling crappy, or something happens to you in your life, loss of a loved one, loss of job, just change of circumstances. It’s knowing when it’s an issue and what should do about that. Hopefully that gives you a few things to address and try.
Rich	Just communicate. If you’re feeling that way, communicate, don’t let it fester or let it build up until it comes a big blazing row and accusations. Just communicate and give each other the space to talk and hear each other. Just be realistic and be honest with yourself whether it’s a genuine problem or whether you’re taking it too personally. Just ask yourself the questions and communicate.
Aindrea	Yeah. On top of that, it’s knowing how to communicate and part of that might be for instance addressing something before it comes an issue. So yeah, I think that does it for us this week. If you have any topics you would like us to discuss, don’t hesitate to contact us on Instagram or Twitter @mrandmrsdistance or you can find us at our website longdistancetomarriage.com and we will be happy to address any topics you feel pressing. Thanks. Bye.