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E80: Making a home together

Join in this week as we discuss the steps that all couples should take when entering the stage of building a home together. You might be making the step of getting a place together or even getting married, but either way there are conversations you should have to prepare for the big changes. Get tips for learning to deal with arguments, arrange household management styles, establishing traditions and much more. 

From Long Distance to Marriage – Episode 80 transcript

Aindrea	Welcome to episode 80 from Long Distance to Marriage. Before we get into this episode, we wanted to talk about what’s happening in the world right now. For those who follow us on Instagram you might have seen this week we had a post and some stories about how we’ve been thinking like many people what we can do to help the current movement and situation about racism in America and all over the world. Between ourselves we are reading, researching, educating ourselves, signing petitions and finding causes to support but we also thought that we can do something different with the podcast.
Rich	Yeah. So, everyone who read the post, we also put it on twitter, we made the point that we think now is a really good time to just listen. We wanna stay in our lane, we are aware that we are privileged and sheltered. So, it’s not our place to be the voice of other people’s experience but we are aware that we have a platform of people who may want to hear other people’s experiences and we wanna hear as a part of our education. We are very fortunate. We know some listeners are in interracial and international relationships, people crossing borders with not just race but cultures and religions too. Probably a fairly diverse audience we’ve got. We’re not the right voice, but if you have an experience or story from your relationship or not, that you would like to share or think people would like to hear, we will welcome you on as a guest or if you didn’t wanna be on a podcast, we can talk about options as well, like guest blogs, social media posts. But we are opening up our platform to hear people’s experiences based on what’s currently happening.
Aindrea	Yeah. It’s a really hard thing to talk about. I think everyone’s very wary about saying the wrong thing. For people who feel like that, you do what to do the right thing. We talked a lot about this and what we could do, we are going to be looking for other ways, but this is where we are starting. If you have a story or want to share your perspective growing up, receiving racism, we’re happy to give you a chance to share your voice. Our voices aren’t quite right the ones, but we are happy to amplify anyone else’s. So please get in touch, can contact us on Instagram or Twitter at mrmrsdistance, or on our website. We’re happy to hear from you. You can find our recent posts and comment or send us a direct message.
Rich	On to today’s topic.
Aindrea	Feels like a weird shift, it’s a bit more light-hearted. We’re talking about making a home together, we’ve touched on this in other episodes, but it’s a funny one. It’s a really exciting time moving in together, whether you’re taking that step in your relationship, just got married, closed the distance. Things are exciting, energy is running high, but quite a lot to figure out and a lot of adjusting to do. I think it was when we moved out on our own, it was a bit of a shock, it wasn’t tricky when Rich was in America with my family or when I was here before we got our own place and lived with his family.
Rich	You appreciate you’re a guest.
Aindrea	Yeah but also it was my mum and dad’s household. They ran it, they managed it. Obviously, we cleaned up after ourselves, but we worked in the way that they led the example of how the house was run, and that’s what happened when I was here too. I was very conscious I was a guest and they were enabling us to be together after we closed the distance. We weren’t making those decisions so there wasn’t that sort of stress. So, when we got our first place together, shit hit the fan.
Rich	Yeah it was rough. We found it hard to get on consistently.
Aindrea	Even the parts that were really exciting too.
Rich	Yeah. And looking back, we probably didn’t realise it at the time. I think we said in a recent episode that marriage and long-term relationships, they just happen, and few people do any sort of pre married counselling. There is a perception that therapy is negative and used to fix. But a lot of therapists say the reality is that it should be preventative. Some people out there are having that and investing into their relationship. Not to fix anything but tells you what’s likely to happen. We eventually realised that when you live together for the first time as a couple, your own place, you’re bringing together both of those backgrounds and the upbringings and all the expectations that come from that. So, if you’re from a household where the woman did all the housework and you were taught that’s the way it’s done, as a male or female, you are likely to take that expectation into the relationship and vice versa. They’re just examples, whatever it may be, that’s your reference you are bringing into this relationship. The chances of your other half having identical expectations are probably not massive. So, they may respond like no why should I do that just because I am the woman, in my family that’s not how it’s done, and I expect you to do this. You’ve got that to overcome and it’s very easy to lead to an argument because when you disagree with that you’re not just disagreeing with their opinion; you’re saying their upbringing was wrong and that’s lots of emotion attached to that. So this kind of taps into other episodes, such as the one with Dovid, Marcus and Ashley, Dr Laura about communication and how to approach these things without criticising and having a productive discussion rather than an argument, it isn’t an attack on how you do things but just for reference this is how I was brought up and how I envisioned things in our relationship. But you have to have these conversations and we didn’t.
Aindrea	Yeah. I think it’s something you have to have in the run up to moving in together before you’ve even picked the place. Once you start thinking and looking for places, these conversations should be had, to prepare yourself and have a bit of a plan in place because it’s a massive adjustment. You made a good point about if you were brought up differently and people play different role in running the house.
Rich	Yeah and some people are raised by different generations. If you are someone who were raised by their grandparents and get engaged to someone who is raised by young parents, there is a huge generation gap and the traditions that go along with it. It’s just something that you two need to overcome and talk about it rationally and sensibly.
Aindrea	Yeah and it’s okay to talk about what you didn’t like about the way the household was growing up, what you would like to change and see in your own household. Listen to each other and make a list of what will work for the two of you.
Rich	You have to be prepared that it will change overtime. And some things you may not even know to think about till you’re actually in the situation. There’s daily stuff. You may think to discuss who will do most of the cooking, who will do the bills, but you may not think about who’s going to mow the lawn, take the bin out, and that’s okay. But again, it may change, you may think this isn’t working so let’s split that. It’s not set in stone just because you have the conversation, it just helps you be on the same page.
Aindrea	It’s going to evolve. In your first place, it may be an apartment so you don’t have to worry about outdoor maintenance, it’s just cleaning and decorating and cooking you have to think about, but as you grow together as a couple each property you move into is going to have different requirements and responsibilities for each of you.
Rich	There are some things that neither of you will want to do. One effective way of dealing with that is you can either barter for it, I will do this if you do that, or no one likes taking the trash out, does one of you dislike it and can’t stand it, then suck it up and you do it and they will do something that you can’t stand doing it.
Aindrea	Or you can trade each week.
Rich	Yeah, like we split feeding the animals, I do it in the morning and you do it in the evening.
Aindrea	That’s not because we dislike feeding our dogs.
Rich	No, it’s because it needs doing twice a day. We decided it’s best to spilt.
Aindrea	It’s actually made our dogs respect us both equally.
Rich	Yeah, they know who’s feeding them in the morning and evening.
Aindrea	Yeah but they usually say the dog respects and knows who feed them and sees them as the head of the house. Anyway, that’s beside the point, another thing to think about and address is you’re also merging two styles when you’re moving in together. If you move in together after you’ve lived from home, you both want to try different things so you might find that your family’s home is one different style and you want to go for something different, but maybe your partner has already got an established style because they haven’t been living at home. It’s been very tricky. I would say our styles overlap in some ways but are very different.
Rich	Yeah, I would say we’ve got completely different styles that we merge together, and it works.
Aindrea	It’s taken some work.
Rich	Yeah, but the thing is as well there are things that completely appeal to your style that you would never think to do on your own. There’s nothing I dislike about the house but if I was decorating it on my own, I would have come to different decisions. So, don’t think that’s not what I’d do. Sometimes if you think about it and sleep about it, then you can think oh wait that’ll be really nice. People can influence you and bring different ideas that you haven’t thought of. I don’t like compromises as a word because it implies no one is happy with the outcome, but someone style and taste of something isn’t one thing, maybe you can look at different colours and shades. Just be open to it. It’s a combined home and should be reflective of that.
Aindrea	I think that’s something that surprised me. I grew up in a household where my mum did the decoration and was responsible for the appearance of the house, and dad doesn’t really have an opinion. That was fine, that’s how it worked. But Rich you have a sense of style and a lot of opinion about the things that come into my home, so that was a shock for me, and I didn’t know men could have opinions like that. So, when we were planning our wedding early on, I was like the cakes going to look like this, and it didn’t occur to me that Rich would care. I think that was our first wedding fight. That was the first stumbling block but then I was picking out flowers, which you didn’t care, but then you said you weren’t wearing flowers and refused. That wasn’t really a sticking point, but I didn’t know if you just felt insecure wearing flowers.
Rich	For the wedding I was pretty hands off, because it probably meant more to you than me in terms of visuals on the day so I wouldn’t get too involved in it, but I wanted to have the say in what I was wearing.
Aindrea	Yeah, we had two colours for our wedding, pink and green. Obviously, you wanted to wear the green element, for your tie, so instead you had a pocket square. But yeah, I didn’t think that would be a thing, but I learnt that I knew this is a guy that has big opinions on what we do. And every time we’ve moved, we would get into huge debates about how furniture was going to be arranged and it was exhausting. I just figured that’s a woman’s job; my mum always did that. There are things to adjust, it doesn’t mean you are wrong, you’re just people and you have to find out what’s going to work for the two of you.
Rich	Yeah. Well my dad was involved in certain things. But for anyone listening for some context, your mum is a kept woman so she was at home all day and your dad worked long hours to it made more sense that the home was more titled to what she wanted was because she was in it all day, whereas your dad saw the walls for a few hours. We’re here pretty much even, and now we’re working from home we’re both here all the time. I do think that makes the difference; I don’t know if it has to be a gender thing. But if one of you is in it more of the time then maybe it’s fair you can have more of a say.
Aindrea	I think it’s picking your battles too. This isn’t quite what we’ve talked about with Dovid but the underlying theme of it is to ask yourself, is this something I want to battle about? Is it worth it? Can I accept this and deal with it? And if you can then that’s fine. We were at a tattoo convention a few years ago and there was this really cool spray-paint artist, but not my style of what I want in the house, but Rich found this skull face of the grimreeper. It was really cool, and I can appreciate it, but it’s a big fucking skull painting and it’s dark.
Rich	I was just admiring it. And you said if you want it you could get it, and I remember thinking that I shouldn’t buy it. There’s only one place in the house it could go.
Aindrea	But it’s the first thing you can see when you walk into the living space. I don’t see it anymore.
Rich	But everyone else does. Your stepmom always says how much she hates it.
Aindrea	But she’s hardly here, that’s okay.
Rich	But it’s a good example. I think both of us have little things around the house like that, that adds a touch of one of our personalities, the other wouldn’t normally have. Then people can turn up to the house and see who picked what.
Aindrea	Yeah. We had a cleaning lady start for us and she said something like did one of you decorate upstairs and one upstairs because they’re very different styles. It really made us laugh.
Rich	Our house is 90 years old so built in the 30s style. I have a much more modern style. There’s a lot of picture rails.
Aindrea	It’s got some character, which I really love.
Rich	But if it was up to me, I would rip it all down. And I prefer the more open plan.
Aindrea	Downstairs is quite modern and open, but upstairs is more of a traditional style.
Rich	But they’re not reflections of us, other than the fact they’re still there. I don’t really see them anymore.
Aindrea	But I really like it, because I grew up in really new houses. So, I’ve never had the opportunity to be in a house that has character, so I really enjoy that and admire it.
Rich	Yeah. I think it comes back to what I said before about who’s got the stronger opinion. Like you like them more than I dislike them. We have these conversations, they’re normal. But I think the point we’re making is that you can have the conversations and stay respectful and not have big arguments. There are times when we haven’t got what we wanted to. Can you think of any?
Aindrea	I know that it took years for me to have floral bedding. There were some really beautiful beddings, we wouldn’t be able to afford now. And over the years, I have been able to have two sets of floral beddings because they’re really subtle.
Rich	Yeah. It’s just not my first taste. We don’t disagree and argue but have different opinions. We handle it differently than we used to.
Aindrea	We talk it out more and get less passionate than we did before. The fun thing is that you can really merge styles and influence each other, not in a manipulative way. But for example, you might find that at first you don’t like a certain style, but your partner does, then you can adapt together and make your own unique style. When me and Rich first got together, he had some stone gargoyles that you can put on the wall. At first, I found them funny, but then we started getting more and decided to put them on the porch. They weren’t the thong I would want in my house, but they are cool.
Rich	So yeah, they’re in the porch. And we use them as directions for people to get here. It’s the house with the gargoyles on the front.
Aindrea	We scare people too a bit with it a bit. There were some Jehovah witnesses once and they never came back. I was in the lounge on Halloween and we were waiting for trick or treaters, and I could hear this lady say look at the gargoyles they’ve put out for Halloween. And I was thinking they are there 365 days lady.
Rich	I think they’ve become a bit of a tradition for us. It may be in one of our earlier episodes about talking about the importance of traditions. We are handmade by this couple who had a market shops in Camden market in London. It was a tradition of ours that when we would go to London, we would make a stop at the market, and we got to know them quite well. It just became one of our traditions. We had some spontaneous days, and one day we bought a really heavy one and I had to carry it in the rain, and they had closed the underground stations, but I have to hold it in the rain waiting for an uber to turn up. It ties in nicely with establishing traditions as well. When you make a house a home where you can do it together, and maybe start a collection of things.
Aindrea	Yeah, it’s more fun if you do it together. My mum and dad collected things over the years, such as teapots. And it’s something we can give both of them, it’s something they are interested in together and collect together. It’s nice for couples to have that. Lots something you can add to and talk about and pick up on vacations.
Rich	For long distance couples in different countries, maybe you can start a collection around that travel. We have friend, not long distance, but they used to travel a lot, and they used to have one of them maps in their living rooms with pins in marking countries they’ve been to. So, you’ve probably got a few more options if you’re international like that or even in the same country if it’s different enough. You can start doing something like that.
Aindrea	It’s all about being really open and communicating, being calm and patient. I think them friends with the map, they have been together a very long time, like 8 years, but never lived together. When they got their house together, I remember her saying to me, how do you live with a boy? Rich was talking earlier about being proactive and having conversations. It’s also being ready to know that there’s going to be some arguments when you live together. That might not be over how you decorate, but maybe about something not pulling their weight. It’s really good to talk about it and know what to expect. We had our episode with Dr Laura Louis, where we talked about keeping the peace and having constructive arguments. Also, with Dovid, we talked about how to communicate and thinking about your expectations. It might be how to have a conversation addressing something that’s really bothering you or that makes you feel like they don’t value what you want for the household. There’s a lot of different things you can look at with them episodes. The last episode talked through all the guests we’ve had. We have had some really interesting talks with people about how to make a home together and how to communicate with each other. We recommend them. In last week’s episodes we have the links to all the episodes we’ve had with a guest. I hope we haven’t put too much of a dampen on having a home together or moving in together.
Rich	No. I mean it’s great. We enjoy it. It’s nice to do it together. But just really going into it with your eyes open. Not to expect the arguments, because I think you can expect something into happening that otherwise wouldn’t happen. But to be prepared that you’re going to have differing opinions. If you’re not there yet, then take the time to listen to the episode we’ve had with guests. We did an episode about arguments and how you can take good lessons with them. We have a lot of content you can absorb and dive in to. If you’re in a relationship then share that with your partner, and by the time you do get there, some of this will already be in the back of your mind and you can put it into good use, to avoid the arguments altogether. But if you are already there, then they can still be useful, doing things together in the house is an ongoing thing. So hopefully it hasn’t dampened it, I think it’s been positive.
Aindrea	Yeah. It’s just shedding light on stuff that can be tricky. But overall, it’s fun and exciting.
Rich	Just remember tone is everything. Both of you are allowed to disagree but just be respectful and appreciate that it may be coming from different backgrounds and when you’re disagreeing, you’re not just disagreeing with their opinion but saying everything they’ve known is wrong or outdated. So just be respectful and mindful.
Aindrea	Absolutely. So, let us know if there are any topics you want us to discuss in upcoming episodes, anything related to this or not, anything related to relationships. We’re happy to discuss and we’re always here to listen. Hope you guys have a good week. Bye.