0

E73: Your long distance toolkit

Due to the coronavirus outbreak, many couples are struggling with having to spend even more time apart, or are experiencing long distance for the first time. In this episode, we suggest tools and products to help ease the burden of the miles. From video call platforms that integrate games to long distance bracelets to make you feel closer, we share ways to cope with the distance.

From Long distance to marriage – Episode 73 transcript

Rich	Hi everyone. Welcome to episode 73 From Long Distance to Marriage. Today we are going to be diving into all the different ways you can keep in touch when you’re apart. For people who are veterans in long distance, you probably know quite a lot of this but we had a comment on our blog on our coronavirus posts for someone who isn’t very far away from their partner at all, about a mile away, but the social distancing means that families can’t see each other. So, there’s a lot of people now that consider themselves in a normal relationship, they can see each other whenever they want but now suddenly it feels long distance because of the lockdown in place all over the world. So, we thought we would try make things easier for everyone in this situation.
Aindrea	Yeah, and I think if you are in this situation, a long-distance couple, usually there’s stuff you can carry throughout and make things better. One place to start, which is probably easiest, is platforms for chatting and joining together. Obviously, everyone who has an apple device knows about Facetime. I think they have a new feature where you can add a third person in so you can call your friends, there can be a few of you on there. I did it with my brother and sister the other day, it was really fun. There’s Skype. The nice thing about skype is that you can recall video calls so if you’re feeling sentimental, missing someone and want to record the conversation. It sounds a bit creepy, but these are weird times and it’s hard to be apart, so do what you need to do to feel closer and if recording chats helps then that’s great. There’s also Zoom, which I think has been around for a while, however it’s a newer one for me, and I have been using it for video calls at work. You can have several people join in and talk and can record any video chats. What’s the one you were going to mention where you play games?
Rich	Yeah. So, Houseparty. I was late to this one. It’s a mixture of those things as well as taking elements from the more fun social platforms, like snapchat where you’ve got games. Whereas Skype and Zoom are considered straight forward video conferencing platforms. House party is more aimed at having fun. It feels more of a natural place to be for relationships because there’s actually things to do within. Where a lot of times people are on Skype or Zoom, you’re either just talking or using it to play a game or watch Netflix and that’s just your communication platform. Alternatives to this, like house party, allow you to do them things directly through it.
Aindrea	We’ve talked a lot about before about playing a game online can feel like you’re actually doing something together, rather than just doing a video chat. We did this years ago when games were very much arcade and not suited to being online. But yeah, that’s a good aspect. It can make things feel more light-hearted. Long distance can make things feel quite heavy and hard. But in general, it’s pretty good right now. It can make things feel more laid back. There’s also Samsung video call. I think that’s what it’s called. Sorry we are hard core apple people. But for those of you who have Samsung, you have ways to do it which is good. There’s tonnes of different types of platforms that you can talk on. Snapchat is another one, although it’s a bit more limited in terms of what you can do but it is good fun, light-hearted pictures, silly filters. With my friends, we just send pictures of us in ridiculous filters making ridiculous faces. It is a laugh. If you think you are too old for Snapchat, now is the time to try it. I know it’s not as popular as it used to be.
Rich	I hate Snapchat. It’s not for everyone. But it’s also worth mentioning too that it’s not just about the platforms, it’s about what you do with them. If you’re having a hard time, the platforms aren’t necessarily going to make it better for you. If you’re going on there to complain and whine, then you’re still going to be negative. That’s not to say you can’t have any frustrations or vent about the situation, but the point is these platforms aren’t magic fixes, they are a means for making communication a bit easier. They’re a tool. You have to bring certain things too that. That’s why things like house party are interesting. It’s not that them games are going to fix anything but if you’re looking for something to do because you usually do things in person, like go out for dates, and you’re just looking for something to do in the mean time together then that’s good for that. But if you are struggling and suffering then that might not be the solution so don’t expect any miracles to come from them.
Aindrea	Yeah. Your headspace is your own responsibility right now. Of course, everyone is feeling challenged but do what you can to make things feel a bit more positive. We have had this; I think we have talked about it in a recent episode, we’re trying to stay away from all the fear mongering news, and just keeping updated on the news that’s like medical advice, safety advice, what the government is saying what we can or can’t do. But other than that, we’re trying to shut the press out because we don’t want that to be our entire life right now. We mentioned in last week’s episode, episode 72, that we’re both trying to get more involved in our interests, reading, writing.
Rich	We’re trying to see the positives. It’s not necessarily a positive but a silver lining. Yes, we can admit this is shit and there’s unknown consequences that may happen from this, but the silver lining is that within that bad thing you can fit something good. I think a lot of people forget that and think when there’s a big black cloud, everything’s negative, but you can take good things from it.
Aindrea	We’ re trying to look for those silver linings.
Rich	Generally, we’re trying to apply ourselves to the situation, and think of the silver lining. For example, I have much more time in the morning so I can use that time to do something that I want to do, learn a new hobby/skill, spend more time together, sit in the garden in the sun. Anything you want to do that’s going to make you happier within the extra time we’ve got.
Aindrea	It might be if you want to try something new now you’ve got more time.
Rich	You’ve got that friend who has just started embroidery, and she’s got really good at it really quick. But for people who are in a relationship, you can do that secretly and make something as a surprise for your partner.
Aindrea	What I was going to say, is use the platforms we mentioned to do some of these things together, like drawing together, just have that companionable video call. It feels like you’re being together. I know a lot of couples we have heard from, have said that she’ll be studying, and he’ll be watching TV, but they will have facetime on, so they feel like they’re together.
Rich	One of the potential problems as well with the video calls, is if your internet is patchy them calls can be frustrating when you’re having a conversation because their video may freeze. But having them on in the background can be quite fun. You can’t really be writing and posting letters right now, but you could write them an email, something different than you would normally do. Email is how we used to speak because there was none of these platforms.
Aindrea	Skype was all we had.
Rich	Yeah. Skype evolved over time, so it wasn’t there right at the beginning then the first time we used it, it wasn’t on our phones, we had to talk on web cam. If you’ve always spent your time communicating long distance through one platform, maybe now is a good time to use another platform, like email, for it to be a modern equivalent of writing a letter, and you can keep it too. That’s another thing about snapchat is that it’s there and then it’s gone, you don’t really save it.  It’s the same thing if you’re not long distance but currently can’t see each other because you’re not quarantining together. I like the idea of using this time for doing something new, then you can do that to make something for the other person.
Aindrea	Yeah. At work now, we can either send messages which the other might not understand then annoyingly have to try explaining it or we can jump on a call for a 2 second question that turns into a 5-minute chat which is nice. One of the guys I work with and was talking to, showed me what he was doing, and it was a game where you have figures that you pain them, and he had been painting them. There are all sorts of things we can be doing and using it to help your own mental wellbeing but also sharing it with your partner. This leads on to our next point, if your partner is really struggling right now and feeling the distance, this is probably something more suitable if you are already long distance. There are some really cool electronic things that have been made now, and one is the long-distance bracelet. There are different brands but the one we are most familiar with is bond touch, so essentially, it’s an electronic bracelet, it looks like a small Fitbit, and you can tap it and do stuff on it then it vibrates the other person. It doesn’t matter how far you are from someone; Rich can tap it and wherever I am my bracelet will vibrate and I know he is thinking about me.
Rich	We should mention there’s no affiliation with them. Anything we mention today, they are our recommendations, we aren’t getting paid to say these things. We’ve never used the bracelets, we have heard some people think what’s the point, if I’m thinking of you then I will send a message. So, they aren’t for everyone. But fir the people who want to try them then buy one each.
Aindrea	In certain professionals they might be really helpful. Say you’re in a job where you can’t just pick up the phone whenever and message someone.
Rich	Sometimes it’s nice to not have a conversation, it’s like a hug, it lets the other person know that they’re thinking of me.
Aindrea	It’s the equivalent of a rub on the arm or something like that. Now I work at a desk so most of the time if I am not on a call, I can get to my phone straight away. But when I was teaching before we closed the distance, I checked my phone between class periods but there was a time period of over an hour where I couldn’t check my phone. So, I can imagine walking around the classroom and my bracelet going off, that would be really nice.
Rich	The thing about it too is you don’t have to look at the screen, because it buzzes, no one knows it has buzzed, so there’s a nice discretion to it.
Aindrea	Speaking of discretion, there are other things for long distance relationships. I think we talked about this in our phone sex episode.
Rich	I think this will be interesting for those who aren’t long distance but now can’t see each other, because I think for those who are long distance, they have found their groove and know what works for them, but for those who are suddenly found themselves in this situation, you may be stuck for ideas.
Aindrea	They are long distance sex toys. Again, this is another thing where there’s multiple brands, we haven’t used any or aren’t affiliated with any, but the one we looked at before that we’ve previously spoken about was there was a male toy and a female toy, and they respond to each other. It lets you know what your partner is doing, and the toy responds to what you’re doing as well.
Rich	Which is nice because it’s probably the closest you’re going to get to that connection, you’re doing the same thing at the same time. It adds the emotional side to it, because sex toys are usually a bit more detached.
Aindrea	I can just imagine that it’s a bit surreal getting used to it. So, if you and your partner want to give it a try then maybe give it a few tries, just like anything new in the bedroom.
Rich	I think you can get them where you manually control the other one. You can open the app and control what happens to your partners toy. I think the benefits to these are pretty obvious.
Aindrea	Yeah. You showed me this meme today and it was like day 365 of quarantine and no sex, and it was like these sofa arm cushions things and it was a visual trick that looked like a lady bent over and her bum showing. So yeah, people who are normally together aren’t. The thing is we talk about long distance like it has to be really far, like my brother lives in San Diego county but his now wife when they were dating she lived on the other side of San Diego county, so with traffic it took them an hour to get to each other. We wouldn’t consider that was long distance because they live in the same county, but they still have to plan around that travel, and now they can’t do that if they are following the rules of social distancing.
Rich	On the sex toy thing, the other good thing about them is that there will be good if you don’t like the other person watching porn or masturbating. We have discussed that in a recent episode that we did on jealousy. But the point is that if suddenly you’re in this situation where you can’t see each other, you’re not having physical sex and you don’t want your partner masturbating then a sex toy like this will be a great way for both of you to get the release you need as well as having some of the emotional connection too so it’s a win-win in that situation.
Aindrea	Something else, going away from the long-distance toys, is Netflix. One of the date ideas we have given out in our guide and different blogs, is watching something together on a streaming platform. You sit down together, start at the same time, pause it at the same time, go through it together. This gives you a way to watch something together and feels like you’re consuming as a couple. Netflix party is an option, they might have had it a while, but we heard about it because they were doing something free because they knew people were separated. Essentially, it’s the same as a chat forum, you create a room, invite people, you can watch something then if someone pauses their screen then it pauses it for everyone. The only question I would have about it, is that sometimes my best friend back home in California will want to watch something and finding something that both countries have on their Netflix can be a bit challenging, but I am sure you can find something, and Netflix party might override that. We might try that with some family back home and see if it works. So yeah, those are some tools that we’ve heard about or someone has told us about it, some of the chat platforms we’ve used. If you need any more help, tips or tricks, or if you’re just sick of being long distance and you were going to close the distance but coronavirus has fucked that or you’re a recent long distance couple because of all this, another tool that will help you is out Ultimate Guide to Long Distance.
Rich	It will help you. It’s fucking brilliant. Go to longdistancetomarriage.com, click on the resources tab and it will be there. If the podcast has brought any value to you, the guide is an extension to that, we go into more detail.
Aindrea	We have steps and lists.
Rich	Yeah. The podcast is more what we’re thinking in a week and we’ve covered a lot of topics but the guide is much more structured from point A to point B and starts with getting into a long distance relationship and the hassles you can deal with like people not agreeing with it, then goes to cultivating that relationship and date ideas, having sex long distance, then right through to closing the distance. There’s something for everyone in there and it’s a decent size. There’s more to the guide than the podcasts and probably easier to digest.
Aindrea	Yeah. It’s quite comprehensive. It’s the piece of content we wished had existed when we were long distance.
Rich	As far as todays episode goes and finding yourself separated, not necessarily through long distance but through quarantine, we have chapters in there for date ideas and what to do when you’re apart, and all sorts of other things that you can use at this particular time to make the most of it.
Aindrea	So, start putting together your long-distance toolkit and have resources that will help you through this because it’s shit for everyone. Hope you guys have a good week. Thanks.