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E72: Tips for couples working from home together

Around the world, people are finding themselves working from home for an extended period of time – for the first time in their life. That might mean working from home with your spouse or significant other, which poses its own set of challenges.

In this episode, we discuss:

– Setting boundaries
– Having a routine
– How you still ‘go to work’
– The importance of a designated space, even if you lack the space to work in separate rooms
– Adjusting to a new normal

From Long distance to marriage – Episode 72 transcript

Aindrea	Hi everyone, welcome to episode 72 From Long Distance to Marriage. First of all, we hope everyone’s keeping safe and well and taking care of their mental health and everything right now. We did want to talk about something topical this week. We know a lot of you are having to work from home and that might mean both of you, so relationships are under a different type of strain right now. People’s lives are different because of the coronavirus outbreak. We’re both working from home. We wanted to make sure people weren’t struggling with this too much. We’re lucky that we have a house with room, but maybe you’re in a studio apartment, crammed together in the same room all day which can be challenging. So, we just wanted to talk about how you can get through this time if you’re both forced to work from home together, and how to be gentler with each other. The first thing we made sure happened was making sure we both had dedicated workspaces. Do you think that’s been helpful?
Rich	Yeah. It’s been helpful because it means you have time on your own. A big part of the challenge, it’s the extra time together. We’re not together most of the day but it’s being away from your colleagues and being alone and being in the same place 24/7. I am okay with that, I have freelanced for years so I am used to it, and I like the house. So, I don’t feel bothered by it but for a lot of people that’s not true to them. We’re also lucky that two of us live in the house and we have pets so there’s things to enjoy and company. There are people who live alone in an apartment. We can go in the garden and get fresh air and sun when it’s there. It’s important to recognise that there’s people who don’t have that luxury and they’re indoors, in one building. Certainly, the apartments we’ve had in the past, they’re small. Predominately you’re in one room and that’s a challenge. Working from home means different things for everyone. We will come on to talking in relation to each other but it’s important that we also acknowledge that the particular challenge and the strain that can have on the two of you. If you’re really affected by it, or your partner is, there’s the potential for it to put you in a bad or anxious mood, which gets taken out in the other person in the house, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. There’s a lot of potential factors that are going on which can make it a problem from some people.
Aindrea	Yeah sure. One preventative, actionable thing you can do is make sure you both do have those designated workspaces. When we’re at work we have our own designated places to sit; and everyone’s on conference calls, Zoom calls, Microsoft Zoom calls right now. I have been using the podcast studio, the desk in here, Rich has either been downstairs using the breakfast bar or in the spare bedroom.
Rich	A big part if this particular point is that one, you’re not always together, which is important, you shouldn’t be together all the time if you can avoid it. But also, you’re creating as much normality as you can. When you go to work, chances are you don’t just work wherever you feel like it, you have a desk and that’s where you work. So, when you go through that door, the brains a clever thing, you have different modes for wherever you are. So, when you’re at home you’re in a different mindset from when you’re at work. You don’t have to consciously say you need to be in work mode, you brain switches. So, when you walk through that door in the morning, you’re at work, which is a hard thing to do at home. So as much as you can create a designated area, it gives your brain a chance to say okay this is where I work. It recalibrates things and that’s a very different thing to being on the coach, in your pyjamas with your TV on in the background. All of that will confuse you.
Aindrea	Yeah. When I work from home the odd day, if we’re having something delivered or someone is coming to repair something, that’s what I do. That environment, really sloppy clothes, sit on the sofa, and that’s fine for one day. But this is the new normal, this is our new structure, so I need to make sure that for my own focus and mental health and your focus and me being able to support you doing your job, I have that. Our morning routine is similar to what it was before but obviously a bit slower. We don’t have to dash off in the morning and get in the car and go to work. But at 8:20 every morning, we’ve maybe been reading, having a coffee, talking to each other, I am dressed, have my makeup on, then I will say okay babe I am going upstairs and logging on, I have a conference call.
Rich	Yeah. We have a pretty designated lunch time and spend that together. It is important. Like you said if you’ve got a day from home, I know a lot of people have a half vacation mode and that’s okay. But if you’re doing that every day your boss is going to expect productivity. What complicates it as well that it’s not just working from home because I want to and will make sure I do it, but a lot of people are also overcoming the difficulty of working from home and not enjoying it or finding it easy. Reach out to people too. No one in my office has ever worked from home before, so for a lot of people it’s a brand-new experience. So, if you know anyone who does freelance or work for themselves, talk to them and ask how they do things. Event hen, not everyone has the same aptitude of it. A lot of people who work for themselves do it from a coffee shop. It’s a big clique now, that they go to Starbucks and use their WIFI. The reason they do that is one they can’t work from home and two they need to be around people. So, people who chose to freelance have to do that, how do you think it’s going to be for people who work in offices around people and really need that buzz. So designated workplace is definitely good, and the point you wanted to add to that is that it maintains distance.
Aindrea	Yeah. That’s important because there’s a lot going on. People in situations where domestic abuse is an issue, god that’s a whole new can of worms. But if you are somewhat a normal couple and them issues aren’t in your relationship; you’re still going to get into each other’s skin because we’re thrown together constantly now. So, having those designated workspaces, gives you that distance from one another. You should be concentrating and working anyway, so you have one less thing to think about there. The next thing ties into that, have boundaries and respect them. We tell each other our schedules of when we have calls then if one person wants to get a coffee or something like that, we know not to disturb the other at them times. We have a small house, we’re in different rooms but they are right across the landing from each other.
Rich	Another thing I remember when I sued to work from home is that people didn’t really get it. Like people would say, oh you’re at home, can you do this? Or can you meet me here? There was always an assumption that I was at home so I could make personal phone calls or go out and meet people or do favours. So, boundaries don’t just apply to each other. Also set them for yourself, it’s so easy to be working from home and just think I’ll vac in here, I will load the dishwasher. Before you know it, you’ve spent the whole morning doing housework instead of working. That’s just an example. Another one is it’s really nice weather; I will just go sit in the garden for 10 minutes. It’s really easy. As humans in general, we are pretty bad at judging time. Before you know it 3 hours have gone by. To make the most of this you need parameters. You need boundaries for each other and yourself.
Aindrea	Also, on the boundaries for yourself thing, it’s hard because we are communicating now with everyone via technology, including those who you usually wouldn’t with. For example, I have an iPhone and a MacBook, so obviously messages are synced up. I was messaging with my mum yesterday morning before I went on my video call, so she kept messaging me stuff that she wanted me to look at later. So, I kept getting dings on my laptop on my morning conference call.
Rich	There’s an extension that. No one is looking over your shoulder to make sure you’re not on Facebook. If you’re in a meeting in the office, most people aren’t on their phones. But now you’re in charge of your own behaviour, which a lot of people aren’t used to. If that’s you, you can get a screen activity report to see your phone activity. You have to audit yourself now.
Aindrea	It’s weird because we have so much less freedom right now in so many ways but work related, we have so much more freedom.
Rich	I say this every episode, but you have to be honest with yourself and who you are and recognise your shortcomings. On the flip side of that, it is good that we probably take more short breaks now. When I go to the kitchen to get a drink, I may take 2 minutes to say hello to you or kick the ball for the dog but that’s just 2 minutes, rather than watching an episode for half an hour. That can work as a mental reset. But yeah, have boundaries.
Aindrea	The next point is treating it as this is still a normal day. Obviously, nothing feels normal right now. Although this past week I have started to feel I am finally finding a new routing in this new normal. But we need to find a way to treat it like a normal day. Our normal day is having a morning routine, head off to work, see you later, we will message a bit throughout the day, but our main focus is our work and colleagues, we will come home, have our evening and spend time together. If you’re mixing up your day and making things feel different and shaking it up, it’s not a normal day and you need that structure of a normal day to get your work done.
Rich	That goes back to what I said before. You need to give your brain the opportunity to recognise this is work, so you can get into the right headspace. That’s the most essential thing you can do. Also, another thing our companies have been very keen to maintain some communication, not just to get work done but because a lot of people may be suffering. One of our team members lives completely alone so there’s the extra stress. So, our employers are very much into video calling every day and keeping in touch. If you’re not already doing that then pitch the idea to your team. We are all physically alone, but you can trick yourself to thinking you’re not.
Aindrea	It’s an interesting one. Both of our companies are doing the same thing in terms of encouraging contact. We could be easily messaging each other with questions, and sometimes we do, but if it’s more complex we video chat to face to face ask each other for help or input, screensharing to demonstrate whatever help we need, it does make it a lot better. This past week I have started to feel the loneliness creep in, as much as I love Rich’s company and we get on fantastically, I am suddenly very aware that you are the only human I am around right now. Even though, we tend to do most things together, I am missing the day to day interaction with the crazy people in my office, the jokes and the fun.
Rich	There’s a lot in it. On the one hand, you’re out of the house 9, 10, 11 hours a day, which is a huge amount of time. It means we’re only together in the morning and evening for a bit. The majority of the day we’re not together. Then suddenly you’re missing out on all the different personalities that used to be in your life, the jokes, the humour, the conversations, and you’re in one physical location, with one person for company. It’s tough.
Aindrea	Yeah it definitely is. Treat is like a normal day, part ways in the morning, then mid-morning have a little chat for 5 minutes. We structure our day so when it’s over it feels over then we have something to talk about because we’ve been apart all day. I will never forget when I first moved to England and because of my VISA I wasn’t able to work yet, there was 4/5 months where I couldn’t work, and I’d be at home all day, maybe go out for a walk, to the store, but I was home. You were working from home because you were freelancing at the time, so our day was we’d get up, get breakfast, he’d do some work, I would watch TV, work on wedding plans, we’d have lunch together then dinner together. But we had nothing to talk about except our wedding plans because we were together all day. I think everyone’s in the position where right now because of the outbreak that is the reality.
Rich	Also, you keep it as a normal working day. When our workday is finished, we stop doing work. There are a lot of people I’m sure, certainly those who live alone, carry on working longer than they should. That’s where depression can creep in if you’re carrying on working because you have nothing else to do, that’s probably not a good coping strategy.
Aindrea	We both have been using this time as wisely as we can. We’ve been reading more in a morning.
Rich	What’s most important is, we have been waking up at the same time. Normally I have an hour commute, I would wake up at half 6 and leave the house at quarter to 8 to be in the office and ready for 9. I know a lot of people would say I don’t have to get up till half 8 now.
Aindrea	Oh my god. 2 people in my office, we start at half 8, I had a call with straight after our morning call and she said she’s getting up at 8 and the other guy said he doesn’t have his camera on at first thing because he’s still in bed. I usually get up at 6, and now 6:20/6:30 so I am giving myself a bit of a later start.
Rich	For me it’s important. It’s a way of treating this as an opportunity for being lazier and laying in but I don’t see it as a way of being conducive. If you’re tired and need to catch up on sleep, then sure. But this isolation thing is a very easy way to find themselves negative and in a funk. So, for me I am waking up at the same time. Hopefully the plan is that this is going to end sometime so keeping a routine will make it easier when it does end. So, I wake up at the same time, meaning that I have an extra 2/3 hours extra time in the morning. I get some reading done; exercise done. I ca do whatever I want int hat time and I am using it to be productive. It’s a great opportunity for people to really try and make positive changes, set new habits. Work gets in the way a lot, especially if you’ve got a long commute. Now without that commute, the amount you can get done in that time is phenomenal. It’s an opportunity to make new habits.
Aindrea	We were talking this morning about how I always feel really rushed. If I feel like we have to be somewhere or there’s something we need to do, I have this warped perception of time in my head. So, I am trying to use this time as an opportunity to not feel this way. So now I have almost 2 hours extra a day and I get into work 20/30 minutes early anyway to avoid traffic, so I have 2 and a half extra hours in my day.
Rich	It’s bits of time that just creep up on you. Technically my office closes at 5:30 but no one does, and you don’t want to be the first to leave. So, then it’s an extra 15/20 minutes. It all adds up.
Aindrea	I don’t think anyone does all the things they want to do or have all the habits that they want to have normally. Like you said, I am very aware that hopefully this is a temporary way of life and within the next couple of months things will look more normal again, but I want to use this time to put new habits in place that will make my life feel more enriched, and if I implement these when I have extra time on my hands and I reap the benefits of whatever those habits are, such as being consistent with my workouts, taking more time cooking dinner and making nice meals. So, I think people should take advantage of that really.
Rich	Yeah. But there are going to be people listening who think they can’t do it. There will be some who genuinely can’t, and this will be a period of them suffering. If that’s you then take this time to do what you can and find support. But for everyone else, just pick one thing that you want to do. The obvious one is getting into shape, but it doesn’t have to be that. Just pick one thing you can do without watching another Netflix show or sleeping in late. Just think is there anything else you could be doing for the 20/30 minutes. Anything you want to learn is probably on YouTube and it’s free. Whatever you can do to feel positive and come out of this feeling like you have improved in some way. If it all sounds overwhelming, you don’t have to do everything, just pick one thing. Just put 10/15 minutes of your day at the beginning and let it take its course.
Aindrea	I have been writing poems since I was 10 years old off and on, but it’s always been a favourite thing of me. It’s been years since I have done anything with it. I took my dog out for a walk and it inspired me to write about what’s happening in the world. I wrote this poem and I shared it with my friend, Rich, my mum, and then I shared it on Facebook. I got lots of nice comments and responses back from it from all over the world. My neighbour said I should try publishing it in the village newsletter so now that’s going to happen. All that happened just because I decided to do something different with my spare time. I am now rediscovering something I really love again. Something tricky about this might be is if you want to do something but your partner is struggling and doesn’t want to do anything then you need to support that, and vice versa. Whatever you need to do to get through this is okay but just make sure you’re checking in with each other. Off the back of that, another point is sharing the load right now especially in terms of chores. There’s been some posts on social media like there’s no excuse for your house to be dirty right now, that’s fine if you want to spend your time doing that, but we are still working 8 hours a day. I have an extra hour here and there but not everybody will be able to do the same number of things for the same amount of time, it’s dependent on motivations. But it’s important that because you’re both around more, share the workload of the housework more. I am just going to go with the stereotype of maybe he doesn’t do as much of the housework. He has no reason to not pitch in and help you to relax a bit more. Share the load right now and be supportive of whatever each person needs to get through it. We all need to be gentle with ourselves right now and each other because it’s a weird scary time and affecting people in lots of different ways. We all need to be there for one another. Also, that presents the potential problem of couples fighting with each other or getting crabby and snappy because of the emotions that are tangled up because of the state of the world right now. A lot of people are feeling tense and emotions running high. When we’re like that it’s easy to snap. Feel whatever you need to feel right now but separate it from your relationship. We are in close quarters right now and if you’re letting the situation sour your relationship, it can have lasting effects.
Rich	Yeah. The thing here is turn off the TV, turn off Facebook. I can’t even begin to explain the sheer amount of negativity. It’s a bad situation so the reporting on it is going to be bad and if all you’re doing is consuming that, which a lot of people do, if you’re on any social media right now you’re not going to avoid it.  If it’s all you’re exposed to, it’s going to get in your head and really bring you down. For us, it’s almost like building a fortress around your house. We are obviously aware of what’s happening and checking in on it but we’re not watching the news or on Facebook all day. What I like to say is be prepared but don’t panic, know what’s going on if you can then relax. There’s only so much you can do and as long as you’re confident that you and your loved ones and doing them things, worrying and panicking isn’t going to get you anywhere. The extension of that is if people are stressed about this and worked themselves up about it, the natural reaction would be to tell everyone because you’re worried and need to let everyone les know. You need to then put your stake down and say you’re aware of this concern, but you don’t need to worry about me, let’s talk about something else. Feel comfortable doing that, don’t be rude about it or be ungrateful, it’s always coming from a good place, but you need to find a way. If you can shut out that negativity as much as possible and do things to make you feel better and make new habits, you are then doing everything you can to treat this as positive as it can be.
Aindrea	Yeah. This also ties into what we were talking about earlier about the boundaries, protecting your mindset right now. It’s all anyone’s talking about and it’s a lot. My mom emailed me an article the other day and I saw the headline and I didn’t want to read that. I knew if I read it then it would get me down about things which I didn’t want. My mum then asked if I read it and I told her that I saw it but I’m sorry I couldn’t bring myself to read it. That’s all you have to say. She didn’t take it offensively. You have ever right to say to people that you don’t want to talk about it right now and talk about something else. Just one last word to them couples working from home, one thing we didn’t cover is what if you don’t have separate rooms, say if you’re in a studio apartment. I think there you should still have designated spaces, say one at the table and one of you is on the coffee table.
Rich	Or have headphones on. This is going to look different for everyone but just do whatever you can to have your area. If you have headphones on, you’re in your own mind. Turn the TV off. It’s whatever you can do to take charge of that situation.
Aindrea	Yeah. In that situation, you might need to be a bit more creative. You’re going to have to be more flexible and hopefully employers will understand that. I have seen a lot of examples of people just collapsing into this situation and not thinking ahead and feeling depressed but not doing anything about it. I am not meaning to sound judgemental, but you can make it easier for yourself if you take steps and think ahead. But hopefully this is helpful. I think there’s a lot of easy actionable things here that we can all do. We are learning as we go.
Rich	The summary for this is treat it like a normal working day, have a designated workspace, do what you can to stay positive, try learn one new thing and have boundaries for yourself and those around you. If you need a little cheat sheet to take away from this episode then that’s it.
Aindrea	And help carry the load for each other.
Rich	Yeah.
Aindrea	Right. So, we will see you guys next week. Keep safe.