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E77: Dealing with the unknown in a long distance relationship

One of the hardest parts of a long distance relationship is feeling like so much is out of your control. There are a lot of unknowns to deal with, and now we have coronavirus that has suddenly wiped out a lot of plans for a lot of people.

In this episode, we discuss ways of dealing with the unknown, looking for the opportunities within it, and the silver linings to make the most of these negative situations.

From Long Distance to Marriage Podcast – Episode 77 

Aindrea:	Hi everyone and welcome to episode 77 from Long Distance to Marriage. This week we have a special topic that was a listener request. So, we’re going to be talking about how to deal with the unknown when you’re in a long-distance relationship. I think a lot of people are feeling this even more right now because of what’s happening in the world, but it’s also important to highlight that dealing with the unknown and feeling like things are up in the air is quite common in people in long distance relationships. It’s just something that you have to work through, so we are going to talk about ways to do that today. One of the best ways we can offer advice on that is through our Ultimate guide to long distance which is our downloadable eBook covering pretty much everything we could think that we wanted to know about when going through this and the information we wish had been out there from how to make it more enjoyable when you are apart to how to close the distance and seal everything up once you have closed the distance.
Rich:	If I could feedback to it, I think people tend to find it helpful and valuable , and I think in relation to today’s topic and we’re going to obviously get into it a bit more in a minute but with all the uncertainty and panic and concern about when you’re going to see each other and your plans have been disrupted, what’s going to be really valuable in the guide is the amount of focus we put on ways you can develop the relationship, find fun things to do, stay positive and connect deeper than, we wrote it encourage people to connect deeper than they had been previously and all that will be really really helpful. And there’s obviously things to do when you do meet in person and close the distance, so yeah obviously we would recommend that one. You can find it on our website under the resources tab and go through and get it instantly.
Aindrea:	Yeah and I think we really feel for couples right now that are long distances even long distance, I guess you could say and the one thing that we always thought about long distance relationships and we talk about the benefits of them in episode two. But you do get to establish a deeper understanding and a deeper knowledge of each other and a really beautiful connection that maybe sometimes takes a little bit longer to develop than long distance relationships because you’re so focused on the chemistry and sex and stuff which even though that’s totally there in long distance, it’s not as  accessible and not as quickly as it is in a normal relationship. But I think trying to find ways when you are apart, whether it’s in a time like this where things are even more uncertain because of coronavirus and whether it’s just on an ongoing basis because you are in a long distance/long term relationship, looking at ways to make that fun. And I know you were really good. You were really good when we were apart as well, initiating fun conversations and talking about what we are we gonna do you know this scenario, what you gonna do when I come home from a hard day of work and like how are we gonna pamper each other, what are our weekends gonna look like when we’ve closed the distance. And those are really nice conversations to have because it reminds you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so often it can feel like there isn’t especially right now. So I just think take that time to take a step back, I think everyone is doing that in life right now, even if you are working and your job isn’t effected to the extent some peoples jobs are affected right now, you’re having to adjust and taking stock of different things and your time is a bit more available. So use that to focus on getting closer with one another. How would you suggest, other than these conversations? We played a lot of online games didn’t we?
Rich:	Yeah and I think that, I know one of the really popular activities people are doing now is watch things together like Netflix and stuff, which is obviously good but I do, I think you should do more than that too like it’s very passive, you’re not learning anything about each other, you’re not really growing any closer. All you’re gonna be able to talk about is that show. And it’s the same for our situation where obviously we do watch TV and everything together and it’s great, but you have to do more than that as well. So, try and not fall into the trap of just doing fairly passive things together. Like yeah ask each other questions and there is the different episode of the Scavenger hunt and ways to do that, even if you’re long distance, even if you’re separated. You can do, as we mentioned today you can do other things, start a little scrapbook or do a wish list itinerary like a bucket list of what you want to do in person. Just be creative, like what’s your talent, what’s their talent, what can you do and can you do it together can you collaborate on something rather than just watching shows together and we’ve spoken before too about activities you can do together. So instead of watching the film, you can do like your own little book club. Or you can, I can’t remember what other ideas we had, but you can do things like that, and you know if you’re into shows you can find the ones that have got  different versions like the one that springs to mind is the Office, there’s the UK one, the US one, there’s loads of them, I think France had one.
Aindrea:	Oh really.
Rich:	They had them all around the world. So I don’t know how many shows, I know that was like a phenomenon, I don’t know how many have that particularly for, but I feel like the US often tries to do British shows, some of them, most of them are shit, but some of them like The office will run for a long time. I don’t think, I don’t know how many other countries, do, depending on what nationality you are that may be trickier. But if you’ve got something like that you can compare the differences. There’s loads of stuff you can do, it just takes a little bit of thinking.
Aindrea:	I mean one thing we have got really into lately is puzzles, because you know we’re at home a lot more.
Rich:	There must be online puzzles.
Aindrea:	well what else I was thinking was that there’s websites where you can like upload a picture and have an alternative puzzle.
Rich:	Oh really.
Aindrea:	Yeah.
Rich:	So you can have a dick as a puzzle?
Aindrea:	Well that’s not where I was going.
Rich:	It’s where I was.
Aindrea:	But I was thinking more like a picture of the two of you.
Rich:	Yeah that too.
Aindrea:	And have that as a puzzle and get two, order two of them, keep one for yourself, send one to your partner and then you can like race do it, it’s a nice gift, you can keep it, you know maybe mount it once it’s all done, you can talk on the phone while you’re doing this puzzle together, like I can’t find this fucking blue piece like where is it, enjoy that together but I think try and find ways to do things that normal couples would be doing right now long distance or find a version of that, I know my brother and his wife had a one year wedding anniversary last year and of course they couldn’t go out for like a dinner to a restaurant, they could get a takeaway or something but they wanted to do something funky, and this is actually a date idea that we stole from them a long time ago and it was cereal tasting, so they just bought a bunch of different cereal and have a cereal night. And that’s something you can do, you can still do that together even if you’re apart, you can get different cereals, obviously if you live in different countries different types of cereals are available and stuff. It’s just trying to sit in the knowledge that ok yeah this is what it is right now but just like other couples you can take it back to basics and do simpler things that make you closer to one another right now and that’s a really important thing to remember. And another thing is to think about to is, and this isn’t really related to covid or anything like that but if you haven’t met, if you’re a couple like Rich and I where we weren’t technically in a relationship before we met because we met online, enjoy that part and enjoy the teasing and wondering and that curiosity of what it’s going to be like because once you do meet the stakes get a lot higher and things get a lot harder.
Rich:	Yeah everything changes afterwards.
Aindrea:	Because, I don’t know, suddenly you go from wondering about what it’s gonna be like.
Rich:	Then it’s suddenly real, it’s not just like, until that point, you’re projecting.
Aindrea:	Well it’s just all excitement because you can’t wait.
Rich:	It’s all excitement and it’s all your idea about what they’re gonna be like, and you know what you’re gonna do and how it’s all gonna pan out, and that’s all. It’s like planning a holiday, when you plan a holiday, you don’t think about that moment when oh we’ve got to go shopping we haven’t got anything to eat on holiday, like you’ve still got all the things to do and when you meet in person you have to deal with those but then also it’s probably for most people, that’s not closing distance so then you’ve got more distance coming.
Aindrea:	Exactly.
Rich:	And that’s harder.
Aindrea:	Exactly, that’s what I’m saying is a lot harder. Think about when that holiday does finish, the holiday blues, when you have to go back to the real world. I mean it’s essentially what it is in a long-distance relationship.
Rich:	But now it changes because you think oh we’ve always dealt with the distance so that’s fine, but you haven’t, because what you did before was that you had your life and someone came into it in a digital sense, to then once you’ve met you actually miss that person.
Aindrea:	Yeah and it’s actually painful, it goes from this lead up of excitement, desire and curiosity to this oh fuck now I genuinely miss you, physically miss your touch. I know what it’s like to kiss you now, I know what it’s like to wake up next to you and now I don’t have those things. So we absolutely understand if your meeting has been postponed because of what’s happening right now and that’s insanely frustrating because you may have been waiting a really long time to meet and those concrete real feels of being face to face, but you know just use this time to try and appreciate it.
Rich:	Yeah and look for the benefits. What can you do, can you get that puzzle made, can you use this time to make a really nice cool gift for them that you can take with you. There’s always something gonna be something, like how hard it is, and some people are really having nightmare situations with this, like visa delays, loss of income meaning they can’t travel, change to visa applications meaning they don’t meet the requirements. It’s not to trivialise things that people are going through at all and I think if you were in the worst of them situations then they will take your focus. There’s going to be a lot of positives you can look for, not to completely override the negatives and the pain of it all, but still something to make the most of it I guess, to get a little bit closer.
Aindrea:	Something I did before we met and I’m sure I’ve mentioned it at something on one episode or another, it was a Christmas present I made for Rich before we met, it was at the first Christmas after we started talking again and things were building up till eventually us meeting, and I sent him a list of questions and then I also asked him to send me a list of questions and I got a notebook and I made almost like a scrapbook but I wouldn’t have any pictures to put in it or any movie tickets, we didn’t have brochures for vacations we had taken because we hadn’t met yet. So tried to make it more of a scrapbook of my thoughts and feelings and my ideas about us. So I took pictures out of magazines of places I hope we would travel one day, I put song lyrics in there that reminded me of us, I answered some of the questions that Rich asked, little bits of poems in there that I loved, some of my most memorable moments, and things that I hoped we would do together one day. I left loads of space in the back so eventually we could add to it, which we have never done. But that is a really nice activity because you get that list of questions, you learn things about your partner, you learn things about yourself, they learn things about you, to be a little bit of creative. You don’t have to be artistically creative; you just have to have an eye for things you want to pop in there, song lyrics, poems, conversations you’ve had.
Rich:	And it’s a treasured item, I’ve still got it.
Aindrea:	You flick through it every few years don’t you?
Rich:	Yeah and it’s nice. There is loads and maybe if there is something you have been working on maybe for about yourself that you are maybe trying to look away before you’ve met them, now you’ve got extra time, anything along them lines. Are there any benefits to the extra time that gives you more opportunity to accomplish something that you have been trying to do in advance, that’s a silver lining to it. I think all the other things like what you’ve just said, it’s an opportunity for you to do something different and try find the positive in amongst all the negative, that is important.
Aindrea:	There are challenges you’re going to face, they always can set things back, like you haven’t seen each other in a while, you haven’t met yet, you can have scheduling problems with jobs, you can’t get the same time off. We were really lucky that I was a teacher, so I had chunks of time off throughout the year and the summer, you were freelancing so it wasn’t really a problem. But other couples don’t necessarily have that luxury. I think there’s unknown in all sorts of factors you just have to work extra hard to make things happen. I remember when we were long distance, my friends would be going out for dinner with their boyfriend who lived across town and with their husbands, and it was so easy to set something up. But for us it was so hard to see each other, how long is it gonna be and what to do.
Rich:	You can have dinner together long distance as a date idea, you can cook the same meal. There’s an advert here, with the Alexa with the video on it and she was calling her dad was instructions on how to cook the meal. You could have a video call when you’re both preparing, making it together, then you can sit down and have it together. If you’re in the habit of doing things like watching a Netflix show at the same time through Skype or facetime, you can do other activities through it. You can do the puzzle, you can each have your own puzzle and do it at the same time, cooking a meal, eating together. So a lot of things you would do in real life together, in the same space together, they can be work arounds for it.
Aindrea:	Yeah absolutely. So you need to think creatively, and you don’t have to think of them yourselves, you can look online, in our guide of course that’s a good place to start, but there’s tonnes of things online, in our blogs. On our website we have long distance date ideas and activities you can do.
Rich:	You can do personal stuff too, if you were gonna be seeing each other not for the first time but for a subsequent time, you can work on some nice photography of you, you can do a 2020 calendar for them or some erotic art, or whatever it may be but you can work on something fun and unusual for them.
Aindrea:	I do have to say that people will probably finding really creative ways to make phone sex even hotter right now. But I think just to pull back and look at the unknown factors are in long distance relationships, and why they’re so hard for people, so obviously you have the unknown factors on how often you can see each other at first, eventually you can figure out a routine that works for you as a couple, where that is every other month, every weekend, depending on how far apart you are. And at first that not knowing about how you are going to navigate that can be a bit overwhelming especially if you wanna see each other every week, maybe he doesn’t wanna. That’s a thing to consider, and just be aware of your feelings, and you know you have to have them conversations. Another thing that people can really struggle with is the whole jealousy aspect, and the unknown factor of where is she right now, where is it, she’s been mentioning this guy a lot who she works with, he’s talking about his friend a lot what does that mean. I think there just is a lot of unknowing in long distance relationships that can really put people on edge. These are aspects, when are we gonna close the distance even if you don’t have to get a visa if you’re living in the same country, in the same county or state or however your country is set up, you still have logistics to figure out, how jobs are going to work and I think that’s what people struggle with, that and the visa, the unknown factor of that is what our listener was asking about directly.
Rich:	Yeah the thing is, more than anything we can sit here all day and give of ideas for how to fill your time. But I think what people really need at the minute is understanding and patience and empathy. The empathy is somewhat easier now as everyone is going through the same thing but it’s also hard because not everyone deals with it in the same way, some people are really struggling and some people are having the time of their lives, and not necessarily for long distance but for some people it’s something of a paid holiday, they get a 100% salary, you’re getting paid to stay home.
Aindrea:	But that depends, not people in America, depends where what country you’re in, maybe in the UK.
Rich:	True, maybe people are on the furlough scheme, I’m not saying it’s a desirable thing but there are some people who know I am going to go back to work, it’s not deemed essential enough to open now, but my company couldn’t afford to lose me, I’ve got job security at the minute. I am being paid at the moment to stay at home, a lot of people are happy with that, it’s getting to the time of year where the weather is getting nice. So I think if you’re in that situation you aren’t worried, great enjoy it. But that person may not have the empathy for the person on the opposite end who needs it and, in a relationship, that’s going to be really important. In a lot of ways, the things to do we’re discussing can be distractions they’re good things to do but I think the big-ticket item really is to be supportive. This is an unusual test for couples, you wouldn’t normally have to deal with something this big and you can sort of rise to the occasion in showing the other one you can understand and patient and empathic you can be.
Aindrea:	Yeah and I think being in a long distance relationship period without this situation like this requires that, you have to support each other and one of the things I know myself and other people, friends in mind that have been in long distance relationship, it takes a lot of reassurance that this is going to work out. I know that I had to ask you constantly, are we gonna be able to figure this out, it felt so big for us because the distance and the time difference and the miles, visas and everything. And also, we had a difficult patch prior, like are you going to hurt me again.
Rich:	And we were really fortunate, we took it for granted I think, when you hear the situations our listeners are in, we were physically in the same place when we applied for the visa, and I think it would have been an awful lot harder if we weren’t, if I was here and you were in America, it is not something we could have done together, and maybe that would have influenced and it may have been too hard to go, you would have only been around people telling you to go and not to do it.
Aindrea:	No one flat out told me not to go and not to do it.
Rich:	Well maybe they would have done. But the situation is somewhat different.
Aindrea:	But people couldn’t, if people knew you were filling out an application. Right now is tricky, you can go and spend a couple of weeks and get all the paper work together, together.
Rich:	Yeah you can, I’m just saying we were fortunate enough to be in a position that it was something we could do together even in the same room, so whenever you have them concerns about are we going to be able to do this. I was there to ask and reassure you in person.
Aindrea:	And to help me figure out questions that I didn’t understand.
Rich:	Yeah, whereas if I had been here, there was less I could do.
Aindrea:	It would have felt like it was all on me.
Rich:	When I was there, I could make the phone call to the embassy. So when I needed to, I could take charge of the bits you were struggling with, and I couldn’t really have done that from here.
Aindrea:	There are still ways to support each other when you’re apart, yes it’s easier together, but you can still go online and be like hey I found this article.
Rich:	It is really important that you are mindful, it could be that both of you are in the exact same headspace with how much of a struggle this is, that could be we’re both absolutely fine but that could be you’re both devastated by this. But if you’re in the same headspace then it can be easier because you’re both on the same wavelength, and if you’re on different wavelengths then you’ve got a slight challenge in making sure that you’re showing up enough.
Aindrea:	Yeah and I think whether or not you’re in a time period that’s being completely ruined by a pandemic or whether it’s a bit more normal, something that really helps is to have a lose idea of when you’re going to see each other again, and we talk about this a lot in our episodes. When you leave and you don’t know when you’re gonna see each other again, it’s even harder on the relationship than the miles can be, because you feel like you have nothing to work for or to look forward to or to put on your calendar as a reminder that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We did that, we parted after our first meeting of spending a month together and I think the reason it was so hard for me to get on the plane and get going was because we didn’t know when we were going to see each other again, what your situation was gonna be, your family was maybe emigrating to Canada, I didn’t know where I was going to see you next, whether you were going to come to America or I was gonna come to England or whether I was going to end up in Canada, we just didn’t know and that was really hard and after a few months nothing was really happening with your family moving. I was a bit like yeah you’re going to be in England over Christmas, I am going to come see you over Christmas and that did make things a little bit easier to know that’s when we were going to see each other again. And I have a friend that is in a long-distance relationship right now and that one of the first things I said to her, every time you said goodbye have a rough idea of when you’re next gonna see each other again .
Rich:	Yeah you don’t have to buy the ticket, you have an idea.
Aindrea:	Yeah something to work towards, if you can buy a ticket that’s amazing.
Rich:	Another thing you could do is plan the trip together, like sue a collaborative tool, there’s millions of them, like if you have a shared Evernote or google spreadsheet. You can build a plan, you can include your maps, if you’re going to be travelling what route you’re going to be taking, writing down what time the change is going to be and what hotels you’re going to stay in, what activities you’re gonna do, and that something nice to work on together, a nice distraction and a nice positive headspace of this is what you’re going to do.
Aindrea:	Yeah, it’s that knowledge and reaffirmation that there slight at the end of this tunnel. Something else you can do, we used Evernote for a trip that we didn’t end up taking, you can plan what your house is gonna look like together, things like that, wedding ideas even if you’re not engaged yet.
Rich:	Yeah, a little picture board.
Aindrea:	Yeah or whatever you wanna do, just have things that you feel like you’re in together, focusing on together and you’re working towards together because it makes it all a lot more manageable. I think, going back to visas, it’s a really strange one because even if you’re at the applying stage potentially that is your situation, you are doing something, you are taking action, you are doing what you’re supposed to do and that can be really empowering because you feel like you’re doing what it takes to close that distance, but it is also out of your control, the answer isn’t up to you. You might have lost the page of the application, you might not have realised that there are requirements that you don’t meet, they can come back and say no. We mentioned a long time ago that the whole idea of this podcast was because we were on a second honeymoon and we went back on our honeymoon and we were staying in a bed and breakfast and the other couple there who were American/British, he was American and she was British, and he said that he got declined twice because he did his paperwork wrong and so there is fear in it. There is a weird combination, yes I am doing something, we’re almost there but also that worrying factor of what is the answer going to be. And I remember after we got engaged and I sent off my paperwork, it was the weekend before my brother’s wedding, his first wedding, and we went and saw loads of family and everyone was really excited as we had just got engaged, and I had a really hard time feeling good with that as I had just sent off my application, we didn’t have the answer yet and I couldn’t help but feel like oh god what if they say no, and what does that mean, I almost couldn’t let myself enjoy that time like you usually would when you first get engaged, thinking about your marriage, being together an building this life for us. I couldn’t relax about that until we got the answer, which luckily only took a long weekend I think, I think it was only a couple days after we had got back from my brother’s wedding that we had the answer. But yeah it’s really daunting sometimes, I guess if you live only an hour or two away and you see each other a couple times a week then maybe it doesn’t feel like that as much, but when you have miles and boarders between you, there’s a lot of unknown and all you can really do is take the right steps, saving your money, spending that on visiting each other, any visa requirements, being loyal to one another, taking negativity out of the relationship and working on ways to really solidify what you have, that’s all you can really do because unknown factors are always going to be there and whether you like it or not, even after you close the distance there’s going to be unknown factors. I have to think about what would happen if I got an emergency call from my family back home, and I have to drop everything and get home, or what if one of us loses our jobs, or whatever. There’s always going to be unknown factors, they feel like a lot bigger and affect you more when you’re in a long-term relationship, but perspective in so important. And you have to rely on each other, like you were saying about supporting each other and the constant reassurance. And finally, it’s important to remind both of yourselves that this situation is temporary. The coronavirus situation is temporary, we have no idea how long this is going to go on for, and the effects it is going to have on our lives after this, but it is temporary, the world will pick up, we will be able to fly places again, a lot of airlines are starting to run more flights to different places where they were grounded before. I know certain places in the states are ending lockdown or phasing out, so restaurants are opening but at half capacity and social distancing, and some non-essential stores are opening, and it’s social distancing is forced. So, we are around the world trying to get back to normal, so just remind yourself that this is temporary and that is always true of long distance. If you’re gonna make it as a couple, that means you are eventually going to close the distance so just remember that’s temporary and that really helps in a lot of situations. I know I really enjoyed the Shepherds podcast, armchair expert, I can’t remember who they were talking to, I think it was a psychologist they had a guest on, and he was talking about his own experiences with anxious thoughts and being worried about things, and it’s almost a mantra, this is temporary, I am not going to feel like this forever. So adopt that for your long distance relationships, this is temporary, we will be together permanently at some point so focus on that and make everything you do a decision that puts you one step closer to one another.
Rich:	Yeah and also see it as an opportunity to save more money, a bigger trip, a longer trip. So yeah potentially another silver lining really. We do really recommend you get the guide; we’ve had the feedback which has helped couples plan dates together and putting different things into perspective. So longdistancetomarriage.com, in the resources tab so you can get your copy there. It’s an e book so you can get it instantly and we think that there is a lot in there that will help you get through this and make you happier and more positive.
Aindrea:	If you have any questions, you are always free to get in contact with us through the website, or Instagram, twitter, we are always happy to try and help and talk you through different situations.
Rich:	Indeed.
Aindrea:	We will speak to you next week.