3 Tips for Non-Verbal Communication in Your Relationship
Ronan Keating was definitely onto something with his smash hit song from the late-nineties. “You say it best when you say nothing at all.”
Humans are sensitive beings, and sometimes we pick up most on the things communicated from those around us when they’re done in a non-verbal fashion.
Our mother shushing our fears and rubbing our backs after a bad dream. This tells us “you’ll be fine, I’m right here. It was only a dream.”
A friend knocking on your door when you’ve been cancelling plans because they’re worried about you. This tells us “don’t be ashamed of your depression. I’m here and I will sit with you in the darkness.”
A lover recreating a date night from the days when your relationship was tender and new. This tells us “sometimes my words aren’t adequate, but I love you and cherish the memories we share. And you still mean as much to me now as you did then.”
In fact, if you look back over your romantic relationships, you might just find that it was those silent moments, when your partner did something rather than said something, that gave you exactly what you needed. Whether it was having a hot bath ready for you when you walked in the door after a long day, offering to put the kids to bed so you can have some time to yourself, or setting the tone for a happier and healthier home by doing more around the house when you know it’s something you should both really be doing a better job of.
These things may seem like simple, thoughtful gestures – and they are – but they’re actually so much more.
They’re powerful tools for communicating in your relationship, and if you can start working at them, you’ll see a huge improvement in certain areas of your relationship. In fact, non-verbal communication can be massively helpful in those instances when you know a conversation will lead to awkwardness and confrontation.
As always, it’s important to remember when communicating with your partner that they do not have bad intent.
If they’re talking to you in a way you find upsetting or difficult, it’s likely not intentional. It’s because they’re scared, upset or hurt. They’re just trying to communicate their needs to you and since we’re all human (and therefore perfectly imperfect) we don’t always say or do things perfectly. And that’s okay.
Here are three tips for including non-verbal communication in your relationship.
Lead with action
At times, we try to tell our partner what we need over and over with continual conversation. Sometimes they catch on straight away and implement a change to give you what they want.
Other times they try for a while and then their effort seems to fade.
Other times still, they nod in agreement in such a way that tells you immediately that your request has gone in one ear and out the other. And that’s never ideal.
If there’s a particular issue in your relationship that you’ve been trying to address with your partner without progress, it’s time to try leading with action.
Let’s imagine the home you share is cluttered and dirty and you’ve talked about making more of an effort together, but it’s just not happening.
Your non-verbal action to communicate to your partner that this is not okay would be to start making more of an effort yourself.
Make yourself a chore calendar and post it on the refrigerator and follow it. Don’t assign anything to your partner at first, but eventually they’ll see that you’re communicating your expectations for your joint home and they should offer to join in. Or, simply just start doing more, and when you’re busy cleaning the kitchen, ask if they wouldn’t mind folding the laundry and putting it away.
People are always more receptive to doing something when they see someone else is also making an effort.
Or maybe you really want to get in shape, and out of concern for your partner’s health you’d like to see them do the same. This can be an awkward and delicate topic, particularly if your partner has self-image or confidence issues, and that’s why this is a perfect example of a time when non-verbal communication is key.
You can step up and say things like “I’d like to spend the day with you and isn’t the weather nice? Let’s go for a nice hike.” Or, “I know you work hard to cook every night and I appreciate it. How about I chip in and cook a couple nights a week?” Then make sure that you’re cooking healthy foods to show the kinds of things you’d like to shift your diet towards.
And the most effective change may come from you starting to work out. Action inspires action, and if you’re regularly working out – at the gym or at home – there’s a good chance you’ll inspire your partner to get moving, too. Over the course of our marriage, this is one area that we’ve both led by example and, without a conversation taking place, it encouraged the other one.
Pay attention to what your partner says (but doesn’t say)
One of the most important parts of being a good communicator is being a good listener. How can we expect our partner to listen to us if we don’t really listen to them? And that includes tuning in to the non-verbal queues that they’re sending us.
When your partner is upset with you and expressing that, avoid responding with things like “Why the hell are you acting like this right now?” or “Oh here we go again! What is your problem?!” These are not, have never been, nor will they ever be constructive responses to a hurting partner.
Take a step back when your partner is venting or lashing out at you and take a moment to think about what they’re trying to say to you. “You don’t make time for me anymore!” doesn’t necessarily mean “I want to control you and all your time and make sure you spend every second with me!”
In fact, it probably means something more like “I feel like maybe we are beginning to grow apart as a couple. I don’t feel like you’re prioritising time with me and that scares me in terms of what it means for our relationship. I miss you.”
Look deeper, past the words. Observe their body language. Nobody expects you to be a mindreader, but after you’ve been with a person for a while you begin to pick up on your lover’s ticks or tells, those physical behaviours that tell you what’s going on with them.
Maybe they twirl their hair restlessly when they’re stressed.
Maybe they bite their thumbnail when they’re really anxious.
Maybe it’s something slightly more alarming and unusual, like shutting you out, spending more time away from home, or being really snappy to you. Tune into these things and speak up – ask your partner if something is bothering them and if there’s anything you can do to help.
Sometimes the issue may have nothing to do with you, but inevitably, sometimes it will. And it’s much better to address the issue head-on before your partner’s emotions and frustrations build to breaking point. Wouldn’t it be great to erase an issue for your partner before it becomes a real problem in your relationship?
Write it down
Sometimes we just say it all wrong. Especially when our emotions are high and we’re hurting, or there’s a sensitive issue that’s been going on for a really long time with your relationship – our words can make it even worse.
If you know you need to carefully communicate something delicate with your partner, and you know it’s likely to strike a nerve or cause a blow-up, consider writing a letter instead. When you’re writing your feelings and thoughts down, you can self-edit and think about the perfect way to say something. This is something that can’t be done in the heat of the moment and off the fly when emotions are hot. You can also take a chance to give yourself some perspective, ask yourself questions about the issue in your relationship. Are your expectations realistic? Are you being fair? Why does this particular issue bother you so much and is it actually your partner’s fault? Maybe you’re totally justified, but it’s always good to reflect.
Allowing yourself space and time for this reflection can make for one powerful letter that displays your feelings and needs to your lover. Also, it shows them just how important the topic is because you’ve taken the time to put pen to paper, and let’s be honest – who actually takes the time to do that these days?
At the end of the day, our purpose in our relationship is to show love and make life that much better for one another. If you can’t take the time to put next-level effort into your communication, you need to find a way to make it a priority.
As always our tips, podcast episodes and we in the flesh are here to help. Get in touch and listen to our episode Next-level communication for more information on this topic.
Or for a more personal approach, talk to us about our coaching service.