10 lessons from 10 years of marriage

“Can long distance relationships work?”

“Do long distance couples ever make it?”

We see or hear these questions every week, and they make us sad – questions like these mean that lots of long distance couples are having doubts.

The good news is long distance relationships can work, and they can last.

We’re living proof of it. Originally living on two separate continents and separated by over 5,000 miles, last month we celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary.

Ten years is a milestone and we’re both proud of reaching it. But you don’t get a decade into something without learning things along the way.

With that said, here are 10 important lessons we’ve learned, and which you can apply to your relationship today:

1. Humour is everything

There are going to be challenges along the way and distance can make that harder – even if you’re together, you’ve opened up distance with friends and family. There may be deaths, weddings, new babies, and events you miss out on. In day-to-day life you may face job losses, illness, unexpected bills, and whatever other curveballs life throws at you.

Keeping each other laughing makes it all a little easier and helps you stay connected as a couple.

2. Experience is the result of effort

The ease and comfort of your relationship life is directly connected to how suitable you are for each other, and how hard you work to build your relationship. Every day does not have to be a struggle, and it’s essential to recognise that your partner deserves a happy relationship too.

A relationship is like anything else in life: if you neglect it, it suffers. Where many couples go wrong is reaching a level where they’re comfortable and then easing off, thinking it’ll either maintain itself or simply making it less of a priority to other things.

That’s a surefire way to misery and possibly a break-up. Keep dating, keep learning about each other, and keep striving to be better. Those couples you see who look madly in love and really well connected, they didn’t just get lucky – that’s the result of sustained effort and a deep understanding of each other.

3. Teamwork is key

We’ve found it’s important to find goals and work towards them together – and achieving them as a pair is so rewarding. This doesn’t mean you can’t have your own ambitions too, but having things you pursue together is an incredible bonding experience.

4. Put them first every chance you get

No, this doesn’t mean don’t have your own life or be a martyr to your own suffering. Just support them and show them you love them.

Love is like customer service: some companies say they’re committed to excellence but their actions say otherwise. Other companies truly provide excellent service and the customer feels great as a result. In relationships, it’s easy to say “I love you” but actions speak louder than words.

Ask your partner how you can help them, remind them you’re proud of them, let them pick what to watch on the next movie night. This lesson returns love and joy tenfold.

5. Express gratitude as much as possible

Even for the little things – especially for the little things. If you’re not sure how to do this, or do more of it, don’t miss our episode on showing gratitude in your relationship.

We thank each other literally every single day, and we can’t begin to tell you how powerful it is. Observe the other couples in your life – do they thank each other or take each other for granted?

6. Be open minded and listen before responding

This is easier said than done and we’re still working on it, but we’re both considerably better than we were 10 years ago.

7. Support them, even when it takes you out of your comfort zone

Sometimes you have to take risks in life to move further ahead. As a result, one of you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation worrying that the decision won’t work out, or concerned about the short term. We’ve had this instance many times.

Remember that if your partner is making a big decision, it’s not fair to make it solely about your emotions. You can (and should) express your concerns and talk through the decision together, but the final decision shouldn’t just be to console you. Risks can be worth it, and a happy spouse makes for an even happier marriage.

8. Try to see it from their perspective

Disagreements are guaranteed in a relationship, and there can be benefits to that. Something we’ve worked at over the years is trying to separate ourselves from the immediate emotional response of how we feel, and instead hearing where they’re coming from.

This isn’t always easy, and for us it’s been the result of years of getting to know each other. Once you know someone’s desires and fears, it’s easier to understand them – it even becomes possible to know what’s going to upset them before it happens.

What’s important to remember is that your way isn’t the only way. If you’re frustrated or upset in a disagreement, they will be too. Empathy is a key component of a happy marriage.

9. Make this your mantra: it’s not me versus you, it’s us versus the problem.

You’re a team, not enemies.

10. There is no room for pride in marriage.

Humility matters. If you’re stuck or confused here, refer to lesson 9.

Ultimately, a lasting relationship requires patience, humility, and ongoing effort.

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